Aug 22: Bernie

"In small-town Texas, the local mortician strikes up a friendship with a wealthy widow, though when he kills her, he goes to great lengths to create the illusion that she's alive."

Directed by: Richard Linklater, Rated: PG-13, 104 minutes

I'm going to go out on a very long limb and say that Bernie features one of the best performances of the year with Jack Black. Yes, the Jack Black of Tenacious D and Kung Fu Frickin' Panda. He gives out the best performance of his career and turns an otherwise forgettable movie into something worth watching. It's a black comedy to the extreme, incorporating the humor of a small town in the South and injecting it with a tad of McConaughy. And as crazy as parts of the story may seem, it's all based off true events. Not the kind of "true events" every horror movies these days are based off of either but genuine people that actually exist. 

As many of you may want to believe, this shit's not based in reality. 

Bernie is about Bernie Tiede (Jack Black), an assistant funeral director who's loved by everyone in his little town of Carthage, TX. He's genuinely pleasant, always giving, and does whatever he can for his small community. As a funeral director, he succeeds at every turn at comforting those around him when loved ones are lost and continues to make them feel that comfort well after the funeral. In Carthage lives Majorie Nugent (Shirley MacLaine), a woman who's all kinds of mean and refuses to be nice to anyone in her little community. After her widow dies, Bernie attempts to console her with many visits, bearing flowers and gifts. After multiple visits, he's welcomed into her home and the two begin a rather unusual friendship. What starts off as something joyous between the two turns into Bernie playing servant for the old hag. After months of playing man-servant, Bernie cracks and murders Majorie, shooting her four times in the back. He then continues his life as though she's still alive, canceling her appointments and even spending her money. As the mystery surrounding Majorie grows and the local police department, led by sheriff Danny Buck (Matthew McConaughey), look into the case, Bernie's character is questioned. 

Is Bernie a Bible loving, choir singing, funeral directing... psychopath.?

Writer and director, Richard Linklater is a master of capturing the little nuances of the South, as the man is from Texas himself. With Bernie, he literally pulls the story of Bernie from the headlines and incorporates it with actual interviews with the people that knew him in real life. A lot of these townspeople are quite the characters themselves and in their brief moments on screen, steal the spotlight and inject the film with hilarious narrations and an honest look at the town and title character. This is a method of storytelling I've never seen in a film and it works wonders for the film, never distracting or taking anything away from it. It's also quite surprising to see how many of the Carthage citizens support Bernie, even after what he's done. Apparently the real Marjorie was quite the bitch and some people would have killed her themselves for just "five dollars". 

Learning the geography of Texas from a local can only bring a smile to your face. 

As you can imagine, I would highly recommend this little gem. Bernie danced around the festival circuit for quite some time and I can only imagine had it gotten a larger release, more people would have been able to see this great movie. I have always been a fan of Linklater and that was the strongest selling point of the movie for me, but after watching Bernie I can say that Jack Black is deserving of some recognition. He simply makes the film something worth watching and I would love to see more performances, like Bernie, from him. Do yourself a favor and rent this, it's worth every bit of your time and money. 

The Good:

a quirky story that's actually based in reality 

The Better:

hearing the stories of the actual townspeople who knew the real characters and having the town of Carthage recreated through their words

The Best:

Jack Black in the titular role, blending his usual humor (and lots of singing) with a naive, always loving Southern attitude that you can't help but love

Overall: 8.0/10

Trailer:

June 3: Mars Attacks!

The Earth is invaded by Martians with irresistible weapons and a cruel sense of humor.

It is always sad watching a movie you remember loving as a kid and then, only now, realizing how bad of a movie it really is. Some times, these films should just stay in the crevices of your younger mind, lingering simply to thoughts of nostalgia. Okay, enough of the sermon and onto the review. Mars Attacks! is a very bad movie. Packed with nearly every star that was relevant in 1996, the film attempts to be a spoof of the old sci-fi movies of the 50s and 60s, even channeling Tim Burton's earlier inspiration in Ed Wood. However, Mars Attacks! does not come off as clever, or spoofy?, just bad. The film does not spoof the films of yesteryear and instead mimics and duplicates them in horrible ways. 

The guys at Mystery Science Theater 3000 would have a field day with Mars Attacks!

To give you an idea of how "grand" the film tries to be, just take a look at the cast. The movie stars Jack Nicholson, Glen Close, Pierce Brosnan, Natalie Portman, Christina Applegate, Jack Black, Annette Benning, Danny DeVito, Jim Brown, Pam Grier, Martin Short, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michael J. Fox, Rod Steiger, and yes, even Tom Jones. It's absolutely ridiculous that so many people (most of them at the peaks of their careers in 1996) came together to make this film. You would also think, that with this much talent, the film would be much better than it is. However, even then, you can't put the blame on the cast, because for the most part, they all know it's bad, and just have fun with what little script and ideas they were given. The plot tells the story of a Martian invasion on earth and shows what happens at all corners of the country. Nicholson plays the president, and while don't think I could ever see the Joker in the Oval Office, his attempt at being the Leader of the Free World is one of the few entertaining aspects to the film. I could go on and explain who every person plays, but then this review would be ten pages long and certainly the most tedious read. And, it really doesn't matter either. Each actor pops up here and there, with his/her encounter with the aliens in some way or another. It's here where the plot suffers, as the constant jumping around just makes everything a much bigger mess than it already is. The film implodes in on itself, as the weight of the cast and the over-the-top attempt to be some satirical spoof of Old Hollywood ruins the film. 

But even as bad as the film really is, I will always love the Ack-ing, Nitrogen breathing aliens who turn people into Christmas skeletons with their death rays. 

If you have already seen Mars Attacks! and have fond memories of the film like I used to, I would definitely recommend skipping a new viewing of the film. Let it lay in the past as something enjoyable and move on to bigger and better things. If, however, you have never seen the film, I won't say it's worth watching. I certainly cannot say the movie is great and while I attempt to think of any suggestions on what could have been changed to make it better, I draw a blank as the film is really too bad to be fixed. I know that Tim Burton has a huge love for older movies, especially the sub-genre, cult "classics" and I know his attempt to pay homage to those same films was filled with respect and his own case of being a fan-boy, but I cannot praise the film for those aspects alone. 

The Good:

the martians look good and are pretty amusing

The Bad:

a complete lack of a solid script and what little there is, is messier than the inside of a space helmet after an alien's head explodes inside

The Ugly:

wondering if this mega-cast "comedy" was a precursor to the likes of Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve, or even a foreshadowing that no matter how many stars you pack into a turd, it's still a piece of shit... just shinier

Overall: 3.5/10

Trailer:

*NEW FEATURE

* 

Discussion:

After watching Men in Black last night and Mars Attacks! tonight, I am thinking of doing an alien movie week, leading up to Prometheus next weekend. Thoughts? Suggestions?

April 26: Gulliver's Travels

"Travel writer Lemuel Gulliver takes an assignment in Bermuda, but ends up on the island of Liliput, where he towers over its tiny citizens."

   Gulliver's Travels a is stupid movie. It's boring, unimaginative, ridiculous and completely lacking in humor. It's shocking to see the talent of Jack Black, Jason Segel, Emily Blunt, Billy Connolly, Chris O'Dowd and Amanda Peet in such a piece of shit film. You'd think with a cast like that, the film would be at least somewhat enjoyable. It's not. At all. It has the cliches of every horrible kid's movie (nut shots and butt jokes) and even ends with a completely out of place dance number to a song no child would even know. Gulliver's Travels is a prime example of how "family" films are one of the greatest downfalls of the movie world and what some actors will do for money. 

Similar to how some people with money do things to be an "actress"

     I won't even take long explaining the plot. Jack Black is given a boat, travels to the Bermuda Triangle, gets shipwrecked, discovers he is in a land of tiny people, and becomes their hero. There's also a subplot love story between Segel and Blunt that seemingly only exists to give an already shallow story more substance. That's really all that happens. The rest is shitty special effects and stale humor. The only remotely decent thing about the film is Chris O'Dowd (Bridesmaids), who plays the villain with an "I-Know-This-Is-Bad-But-Let's-Have-Fun-With-It" attitude. 

Just a lot of people looking up with, I'd assume, a lot of sore necks

  Skip Gulliver's Travels and leave it completely alone. I only watched it because it was on TV, I was bored, and I figured something mindless would be easier to watch and review. I really would like my 85 minutes back as well as the respect I lost for the amazing Jason Segel and the gorgeous Emily Blunt. Here's hoping that they are a billion times better in The Five-Year Engagement together (if not, at least we get more Alison Brie). 

The Bad:

talented people in a shitty, horrible mess

The Ugly:

a dance number you think you'd only see in musicals or animated movies with talking animals

The Awful:

the ENTIRE movie

Overall: 1.2/10

Trailer:

March 6: The Big Year

"Two bird enthusiasts try to defeat the cocky, cutthroat world record holder in a year-long bird-spotting competition."

   The Big Year is a very ordinary film about people with too much time and too much money traveling all around North America searching for hundreds of birds. As always, Steve Martin plays an insanely wealthy person with an expendable income to do whatever he pleases (see Father of the Bride, It's Complicated). Jack Black tags along as the (surprise) "every man" who's ultimate dream is to win The Big Year annual birding event. Owen Wilson is attempting the event in hopes of preventing anyone from breaking his record he set in a previous Big Year. The three are good in their respected roles, but the script and lack of story leave their characters very plain and "safe". The Big Year does have a lot of good footage of birds but mixes in a lot of seemingly unnecessary CGI. 

The rare and elusive aviario adreamworkus

   The Big Year is one of those movies you can only assume people agreed to do for the sake of traveling all around the continent and, of course, working with Steve Martin. Now, I can't hold anything against them because Martin is a legend and any time you could spend with him off camera has to be like hanging out with a silver-haired god of comedy. Yes, I believe Martin to be a national treasure. You know I am right. However, The Big Year does not showcase Martin and his talent as much as one would hope, but his likability, as well as Black's and Owen's, does lift the film above mediocrity. 

One can assume this immortal man will never leave us, but if he does, may he be enshrined. And, thousands will make the pilgrimage to see his remains. 

   Overall, The Big Year is the sweet kind of movie you can watch with your grandparents. It's safe and packs just enough chuckles to keep it somewhat interesting. The film really lacks any true story, as it really just jumps around with the characters and their attempts to find birds. What little story exists, is weak and predicable, but as a movie you do need to have some sort of plot to string every bit together. The film's nice to look at, and the locations make you want to travel on your own, but you can't help keep looking for something that's not there. The Big Year is average on all levels, but given the subject matter, one could assume it's the best it could be. 

The Good:

the film makes you realize nature is more than just plants and animals, and seeing people do what they do, simply because they love it is inspiring in a way

The Bad:

a very, very weak plot that constantly jumps around

The Ugly:

realizing Steve Martin still has it, and needs to do something amazing again

Overall: 6.3/10

Best Quote:

1. Brad: "There is going to be major fall out."
2. Bill: "Nuclear fallout?"
3. Brad: "Bird fallout."

Listen for:

as many songs with the word bird in them as they could squeeze into a film