Oct 15: Teen Wolf

"A highschooler discovers that he is a werewolf."

Directed by: Rod Daniel, Rated: PG, 91 minutes

Oh, Michael J. Fox, what a career you have had. My question for you, however, is why would you follow up Back to the Future with Teen Wolf, an 80s teenage comedy that falls well behind the rest in the genre? Teen Wolf just tries too hard to be something John Hughes-like, but lacks any heart or charm to make it worthwhile. Sure, it's got Fox in the starring role, and he does his best with what he's given, but his supporting cast and weak script don't even come close. 

I understand the rage in his eyes. 

Teen Wolf is about Scott Howard (Fox), a nerdy-ish teenager who's on the starting squad of his school's horrible basketball team. He's not necessarily looked down upon by everyone in the school, but he's still his own social outcast and struggles to talk to a pretty girl. One day, Scott discovers his body is changing and that he's actually gradually becoming a werewolf. He's never bitten nor cursed, he simply becomes a man-wolf because his dad is one as well. As soon as he's furry and clawed, he finds a confidence he never had, kicks a lot of ass in basketball, and manages to win the hearts of not only his classmates, but yes, of that special girl (because what teenager in the 80s didn't LOVE a furry kid?). 

I believe sexy is the best word for this picture. 

I have to admit, I've only seen clips from this movie up until today. As big of a fan I am of Michael J. Fox, Teen Wolf just never called out to me. I find the entire premise ridiculous and even knowing that's the feeling they were going for, it still feels like the filmmakers thought they could get away with it. Fox is the only name in the film that brings any star-power or charisma, and his supporting friends and classmates are idiotic cliches of each character. His best friend is an annoying twat (played by Jerry Levine) and anything he does would warrant an immediate termination of friendship in my mind. His dueling love interests, the hot blonde Pamela (Lorie Griffin) isn't worth chasing and his friend-for-life-oh-maybe-I-actually-love-her, Boof (Susan Ursitti) is equally un-compelling. 

It must suck having no career after playing someone named Boof. 

Teen Wolf is an easy movie to have on in the background, but even then can get frustrating. The basketball sequences are just as bad, with none of what happens being something that would occur in an actual game (this always frustrates me in movies). Even the makeup is just decent, with each transformation not being any sort of thing you'd see in An American Werewolf in London. There's just not enough substance in Teen Wolf for me to warrant a recommendation. In fact, have you not seen it already, I'd suggest skipping it entirely and watching Sixteen Candles or something instead. But, worry not Michael J. Fox, for you always be Mary McFly in my eyes. Teen Wolf is just a smear on your record that I'll overlook and forget about. I'd suggest you do the same. 

The Good:

Michael J. Fox

The Bad: 

Fox in a role he's clearly much, much better than

The Ugly:

an entire lack of substance, humor, or charm that turns the film into something too easy to forget

Overall: 4.6/10

Trailer:

June 3: Mars Attacks!

The Earth is invaded by Martians with irresistible weapons and a cruel sense of humor.

It is always sad watching a movie you remember loving as a kid and then, only now, realizing how bad of a movie it really is. Some times, these films should just stay in the crevices of your younger mind, lingering simply to thoughts of nostalgia. Okay, enough of the sermon and onto the review. Mars Attacks! is a very bad movie. Packed with nearly every star that was relevant in 1996, the film attempts to be a spoof of the old sci-fi movies of the 50s and 60s, even channeling Tim Burton's earlier inspiration in Ed Wood. However, Mars Attacks! does not come off as clever, or spoofy?, just bad. The film does not spoof the films of yesteryear and instead mimics and duplicates them in horrible ways. 

The guys at Mystery Science Theater 3000 would have a field day with Mars Attacks!

To give you an idea of how "grand" the film tries to be, just take a look at the cast. The movie stars Jack Nicholson, Glen Close, Pierce Brosnan, Natalie Portman, Christina Applegate, Jack Black, Annette Benning, Danny DeVito, Jim Brown, Pam Grier, Martin Short, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michael J. Fox, Rod Steiger, and yes, even Tom Jones. It's absolutely ridiculous that so many people (most of them at the peaks of their careers in 1996) came together to make this film. You would also think, that with this much talent, the film would be much better than it is. However, even then, you can't put the blame on the cast, because for the most part, they all know it's bad, and just have fun with what little script and ideas they were given. The plot tells the story of a Martian invasion on earth and shows what happens at all corners of the country. Nicholson plays the president, and while don't think I could ever see the Joker in the Oval Office, his attempt at being the Leader of the Free World is one of the few entertaining aspects to the film. I could go on and explain who every person plays, but then this review would be ten pages long and certainly the most tedious read. And, it really doesn't matter either. Each actor pops up here and there, with his/her encounter with the aliens in some way or another. It's here where the plot suffers, as the constant jumping around just makes everything a much bigger mess than it already is. The film implodes in on itself, as the weight of the cast and the over-the-top attempt to be some satirical spoof of Old Hollywood ruins the film. 

But even as bad as the film really is, I will always love the Ack-ing, Nitrogen breathing aliens who turn people into Christmas skeletons with their death rays. 

If you have already seen Mars Attacks! and have fond memories of the film like I used to, I would definitely recommend skipping a new viewing of the film. Let it lay in the past as something enjoyable and move on to bigger and better things. If, however, you have never seen the film, I won't say it's worth watching. I certainly cannot say the movie is great and while I attempt to think of any suggestions on what could have been changed to make it better, I draw a blank as the film is really too bad to be fixed. I know that Tim Burton has a huge love for older movies, especially the sub-genre, cult "classics" and I know his attempt to pay homage to those same films was filled with respect and his own case of being a fan-boy, but I cannot praise the film for those aspects alone. 

The Good:

the martians look good and are pretty amusing

The Bad:

a complete lack of a solid script and what little there is, is messier than the inside of a space helmet after an alien's head explodes inside

The Ugly:

wondering if this mega-cast "comedy" was a precursor to the likes of Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve, or even a foreshadowing that no matter how many stars you pack into a turd, it's still a piece of shit... just shinier

Overall: 3.5/10

Trailer:

*NEW FEATURE

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Discussion:

After watching Men in Black last night and Mars Attacks! tonight, I am thinking of doing an alien movie week, leading up to Prometheus next weekend. Thoughts? Suggestions?