Sept 4: The Lorax

"A 12-year-old boy searches for the one thing that will enable him to win the affection of the girl of his dreams. To find it he must discover the story of the Lorax, the grumpy yet charming creature who fights to protect his world."

Directed by: Chris Renaud & Kyle Balda, Rated: PG, 86 minutes

The Lorax is a disgusting little kid's movie that tries way too hard to tailor it's appeal to the young ones, pumping the film with 'catchy' songs, obnoxious characters, and little cute animals that try way too hard to be Despicable Me's minions. Any environmental friendly ideas the source material by Dr. Seuss tried to convey is practically completely absent in this adaptation, and it's a shame. The magic and imagination Seuss created in his books is insulted with this film and I'd rather be off playing roulette games online than watching this piece of crap. Heck, even Russian roulette has more appeal. 

Everything's better with some Walken. Even if it's the scariest 'game' in the history of mankind. 

The film follows pubescent Ted (voiced by Zac Effron) who wants to get up and personal with Audrey (Taylor Swift). The two kids live in Thneed-ville, a synthetic city made entirely of plastic and machine. The world around them lacks anything organic and a real, growing tree hasn't been seen in years. Of course Audrey tells Ted the only way to her heart is to find a tree so he embarks on a quest to find one. He follows the advice of his grammy (Betty White) and tracks down the Once-ler (Ed Helms), a hermit living right outside of town. The Once-ler tells Ted the story of his younger years, when trees were everywhere and animals inhabited the beautiful countryside. Unfortunately, the Once-ler found greed and chopped down all of the trees and led to the devastation everywhere. The Lorax (Danny DeVito), the protector of the forest who descends from heaven like Jesus, warns the Once-ler that his actions cannot be undone and that he's overall disappointed in the young man (because nothing tells kids to stop littering like a giant Cheeto with a mustache). 

Speaking of which, when is this creepy perv getting his own movie?

I like to believe that the filmmakers of The Lorax had honest intentions with the film, but the end result is lacking of any sign of such. The movie is over-the-top with nearly every aspect, including loud obnoxious songs and way too many 'cute' animals trying to earn a laugh. The story doesn't even try to tell much, as opposed to just jumping around here and there. It's moments of 'preachiness' come quick and hard, but in the end you just don't give a damn. Each song, full of dancing animals and pop-like tunes is irritating and is one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to movies. Sure, the songs play a large part to the film, but that doesn't mean they aren't annoying. It seems that nothing can emulate a Disney flick and with Alvin and the Chipmunks and many other similar films out now, the singing just shows signs of coping out to what's "cool". 

For the billionth time, singing animals aren't funny. 

I am fully aware that this movie is a kid's movie and that the youngins are the target audience, but when you adapt such a beloved story like Seuss' The Lorax, you need to have something for everyone. Hell, most of the children this movie was aimed at probably have never even heard of the book, let alone Dr. Seuss. I knew that the film wasn't great going in but I still had my hopes. And unfortunately, everything bad I've heard about it is true. I struggled getting through this mess and would not recommend it at all. As I mentioned before, you'd have more time playing exciting TV games from Paddy Power. 2012 is turning into a year of very uninspiring animated movies and I hope that the toons of the fall and winter will save this year from being one of worst in recent memory. 

The Bad:

an animation style that looks cheap, similar to the dud, Hoodwinked

The Worse:

obnoxious characters that leave very little to like about and try too hard to be funny or cute

The Ugly:

songs that are written specifically to get themselves ingrained into your skull, without any creativity or imagination behind them

Overall: 2.8/10

Trailer:

June 3: Mars Attacks!

The Earth is invaded by Martians with irresistible weapons and a cruel sense of humor.

It is always sad watching a movie you remember loving as a kid and then, only now, realizing how bad of a movie it really is. Some times, these films should just stay in the crevices of your younger mind, lingering simply to thoughts of nostalgia. Okay, enough of the sermon and onto the review. Mars Attacks! is a very bad movie. Packed with nearly every star that was relevant in 1996, the film attempts to be a spoof of the old sci-fi movies of the 50s and 60s, even channeling Tim Burton's earlier inspiration in Ed Wood. However, Mars Attacks! does not come off as clever, or spoofy?, just bad. The film does not spoof the films of yesteryear and instead mimics and duplicates them in horrible ways. 

The guys at Mystery Science Theater 3000 would have a field day with Mars Attacks!

To give you an idea of how "grand" the film tries to be, just take a look at the cast. The movie stars Jack Nicholson, Glen Close, Pierce Brosnan, Natalie Portman, Christina Applegate, Jack Black, Annette Benning, Danny DeVito, Jim Brown, Pam Grier, Martin Short, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michael J. Fox, Rod Steiger, and yes, even Tom Jones. It's absolutely ridiculous that so many people (most of them at the peaks of their careers in 1996) came together to make this film. You would also think, that with this much talent, the film would be much better than it is. However, even then, you can't put the blame on the cast, because for the most part, they all know it's bad, and just have fun with what little script and ideas they were given. The plot tells the story of a Martian invasion on earth and shows what happens at all corners of the country. Nicholson plays the president, and while don't think I could ever see the Joker in the Oval Office, his attempt at being the Leader of the Free World is one of the few entertaining aspects to the film. I could go on and explain who every person plays, but then this review would be ten pages long and certainly the most tedious read. And, it really doesn't matter either. Each actor pops up here and there, with his/her encounter with the aliens in some way or another. It's here where the plot suffers, as the constant jumping around just makes everything a much bigger mess than it already is. The film implodes in on itself, as the weight of the cast and the over-the-top attempt to be some satirical spoof of Old Hollywood ruins the film. 

But even as bad as the film really is, I will always love the Ack-ing, Nitrogen breathing aliens who turn people into Christmas skeletons with their death rays. 

If you have already seen Mars Attacks! and have fond memories of the film like I used to, I would definitely recommend skipping a new viewing of the film. Let it lay in the past as something enjoyable and move on to bigger and better things. If, however, you have never seen the film, I won't say it's worth watching. I certainly cannot say the movie is great and while I attempt to think of any suggestions on what could have been changed to make it better, I draw a blank as the film is really too bad to be fixed. I know that Tim Burton has a huge love for older movies, especially the sub-genre, cult "classics" and I know his attempt to pay homage to those same films was filled with respect and his own case of being a fan-boy, but I cannot praise the film for those aspects alone. 

The Good:

the martians look good and are pretty amusing

The Bad:

a complete lack of a solid script and what little there is, is messier than the inside of a space helmet after an alien's head explodes inside

The Ugly:

wondering if this mega-cast "comedy" was a precursor to the likes of Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve, or even a foreshadowing that no matter how many stars you pack into a turd, it's still a piece of shit... just shinier

Overall: 3.5/10

Trailer:

*NEW FEATURE

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Discussion:

After watching Men in Black last night and Mars Attacks! tonight, I am thinking of doing an alien movie week, leading up to Prometheus next weekend. Thoughts? Suggestions?