Oct 23: Dark Shadows

"An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins, is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection."

Directed by: Tim Burton, Rated: PG-13, 113 minutes

I have stated before that Johnny Depp needs to end his marriage to Tim Burton and move past the strange and the weird. The man is talented, yes, but his "wife" continually makes him dress up in horrible costumes and even worse makeup for films that have the slightest bit of darkness surrounding them. Oh, you know what would go well with that (insert TV show, movie, cartoon) remake, Mr. Burton? A side of Johnny Depp. Hell, while you're at it, throw in your other wife, Helena Bonham Carter, she'll work for free! But wait! We need an older actor to add some "veteran" experience to the flick. Go on Burton, grab Christopher Lee, you've done it plenty of times before! I can only imagine that's the conversation Burton has with every producer in Hollywood these days. And to make this all sound spooky, with choir voices and sinister tones, Burton, of course, asks for help from Danny Elfman for the score.

 Please, you two. Stop it. For the sake of both of your careers. 

Now some of you may be thinking, "This relationship is amazing! They have made so many great movies together!". Sure, they have had a couple of classics (anything with Ed or Edward in the title), but can we really look past their last few films? I, for one, cannot forgive nor forget the atrocities that are Alice in Wonderland and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, nor do I really want to. With Dark Shadows, Burdeppon has slapped me on the face once more, laughing at the fact that they have again gotten a way with producing a "hit". At this point in their careers, I have come to the conclusion that Burton and Depp just don't care anymore. Continually recycling and reusing the same ideas, the dark "quirkiness and charm", and again, the same actors and actresses, Burdeppon has milked every last drop (and then some) of this unusual cash cow. 

Oh look! It's Willy Barnabas Mad Hatter Sparrow Thompson!

Adapting a beloved TV show that all of us pretended to be familiar with once this project was announced, Tim Burton retells/remakes/rehashes the story of Barnabas Collins (Depp), an aristocrat turned-vampire who awakens after centuries of "eternal slumber" in 1972. As we all know, this time in history is incredibly relatable to the target demographic and all of us can look back at that day and age with familiarity and nostalgia. Barnabas awakens to find his estate is in disrepair and that his descendants live giving off an illusion that they're sitting on gold. Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) is in fact, the reason the family has fallen upon hard times, and, as a witch, has taken over the quiet fishing town of Collinsport, Maine. Under her witchcraft-ness, the townspeople have dedicated all of their resources to her and her business and the entire town's wealth trickles through her. Barnabas, aroused yet infuriated, with Angelique (she was the one to turn him into a vampire in the first place), vows to return his family to honor.

Even someone as beautiful as Eva Green gets destroyed by the twelve layers of makeup that are mandatory when working with Burton.

There's very little to love in Dark Shadows. Again, Tim Burton follows the paths he walked down with Alice and Charlie and refuses to use practical sets and actual locations for the film. So much of the movie is glossed over with foggy effects and over-CGI'd backdrops that very little of the final product feels like a story set in the 70s. Burton has again become the victim of himself and his obsession with turning the unnecessary into darkness and glum prove to be one of the movie's greatest weaknesses. Depp is more than past his prime as Barnabas and the character is exactly the same as the last four or five you have seen him play. Post-Pirates of the Caribbean Depp has continually channeled his inner Hunter S. Thompson while throwing in a fake-something-accent and being more bizarre than charming. Of the rest of the cast (that's quite packed, might I mention) there is really no stand outs. Eva Green is the closest to great as Angelique, and as the witch-ness unravels about her, her scenes become more interesting. Chloe Grace Moretz plays Carolyn, the young, rebellious, "sassy" teenager but Burton pumps up her sexuality to a point that leaves you rather confused and uncomfortable. As for Michelle Pfeiffer, Jonny Lee Miller, and Helena Bonham Carter Depp Burton, their roles are rather minimal and their presences feel used simply for the recognition factor as opposed to talent. 

Even Rorschach can't save the movie. 

Dark Shadows is one of Burton's weakest films and easily the most phoned movie in his filmography. Nearly every aspect of the movie falls short of anything wonderful and drags on for far too long. Dated and uninspired Dark Shadows fails to charm or humor the audience and only reminds us that the days of good Burdeppon movies are long gone. While I have seen exceptional films from the man, I have lost almost all faith in Tim Burton. I can only imagine the day he gives us a product worthy to stand next to Big Fish and Ed Wood, his two marvelous masterpieces. Dark Shadows is just another smear on his rather eclectic filmography and quite a low point for Johnny Depp as well. Both men I used to look up to and respect, but the way their careers are heading I can only assume that respect will run dry. 

The Good:

Eva Green has her few moments of brilliance but what Burton puts her up against leaves much to be desired

The Bad:

a weak script with an entire lack of humor that tries to be something quirky and dark but ends up mundane and glossy

The Ugly:

Depp and Burton's relationship has expired and the film tries its hardest to push past the fact, but fails in nearly every aspect

3.5/10

Trailer: