Oct 23: Dark Shadows

"An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins, is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection."

Directed by: Tim Burton, Rated: PG-13, 113 minutes

I have stated before that Johnny Depp needs to end his marriage to Tim Burton and move past the strange and the weird. The man is talented, yes, but his "wife" continually makes him dress up in horrible costumes and even worse makeup for films that have the slightest bit of darkness surrounding them. Oh, you know what would go well with that (insert TV show, movie, cartoon) remake, Mr. Burton? A side of Johnny Depp. Hell, while you're at it, throw in your other wife, Helena Bonham Carter, she'll work for free! But wait! We need an older actor to add some "veteran" experience to the flick. Go on Burton, grab Christopher Lee, you've done it plenty of times before! I can only imagine that's the conversation Burton has with every producer in Hollywood these days. And to make this all sound spooky, with choir voices and sinister tones, Burton, of course, asks for help from Danny Elfman for the score.

 Please, you two. Stop it. For the sake of both of your careers. 

Now some of you may be thinking, "This relationship is amazing! They have made so many great movies together!". Sure, they have had a couple of classics (anything with Ed or Edward in the title), but can we really look past their last few films? I, for one, cannot forgive nor forget the atrocities that are Alice in Wonderland and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, nor do I really want to. With Dark Shadows, Burdeppon has slapped me on the face once more, laughing at the fact that they have again gotten a way with producing a "hit". At this point in their careers, I have come to the conclusion that Burton and Depp just don't care anymore. Continually recycling and reusing the same ideas, the dark "quirkiness and charm", and again, the same actors and actresses, Burdeppon has milked every last drop (and then some) of this unusual cash cow. 

Oh look! It's Willy Barnabas Mad Hatter Sparrow Thompson!

Adapting a beloved TV show that all of us pretended to be familiar with once this project was announced, Tim Burton retells/remakes/rehashes the story of Barnabas Collins (Depp), an aristocrat turned-vampire who awakens after centuries of "eternal slumber" in 1972. As we all know, this time in history is incredibly relatable to the target demographic and all of us can look back at that day and age with familiarity and nostalgia. Barnabas awakens to find his estate is in disrepair and that his descendants live giving off an illusion that they're sitting on gold. Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) is in fact, the reason the family has fallen upon hard times, and, as a witch, has taken over the quiet fishing town of Collinsport, Maine. Under her witchcraft-ness, the townspeople have dedicated all of their resources to her and her business and the entire town's wealth trickles through her. Barnabas, aroused yet infuriated, with Angelique (she was the one to turn him into a vampire in the first place), vows to return his family to honor.

Even someone as beautiful as Eva Green gets destroyed by the twelve layers of makeup that are mandatory when working with Burton.

There's very little to love in Dark Shadows. Again, Tim Burton follows the paths he walked down with Alice and Charlie and refuses to use practical sets and actual locations for the film. So much of the movie is glossed over with foggy effects and over-CGI'd backdrops that very little of the final product feels like a story set in the 70s. Burton has again become the victim of himself and his obsession with turning the unnecessary into darkness and glum prove to be one of the movie's greatest weaknesses. Depp is more than past his prime as Barnabas and the character is exactly the same as the last four or five you have seen him play. Post-Pirates of the Caribbean Depp has continually channeled his inner Hunter S. Thompson while throwing in a fake-something-accent and being more bizarre than charming. Of the rest of the cast (that's quite packed, might I mention) there is really no stand outs. Eva Green is the closest to great as Angelique, and as the witch-ness unravels about her, her scenes become more interesting. Chloe Grace Moretz plays Carolyn, the young, rebellious, "sassy" teenager but Burton pumps up her sexuality to a point that leaves you rather confused and uncomfortable. As for Michelle Pfeiffer, Jonny Lee Miller, and Helena Bonham Carter Depp Burton, their roles are rather minimal and their presences feel used simply for the recognition factor as opposed to talent. 

Even Rorschach can't save the movie. 

Dark Shadows is one of Burton's weakest films and easily the most phoned movie in his filmography. Nearly every aspect of the movie falls short of anything wonderful and drags on for far too long. Dated and uninspired Dark Shadows fails to charm or humor the audience and only reminds us that the days of good Burdeppon movies are long gone. While I have seen exceptional films from the man, I have lost almost all faith in Tim Burton. I can only imagine the day he gives us a product worthy to stand next to Big Fish and Ed Wood, his two marvelous masterpieces. Dark Shadows is just another smear on his rather eclectic filmography and quite a low point for Johnny Depp as well. Both men I used to look up to and respect, but the way their careers are heading I can only assume that respect will run dry. 

The Good:

Eva Green has her few moments of brilliance but what Burton puts her up against leaves much to be desired

The Bad:

a weak script with an entire lack of humor that tries to be something quirky and dark but ends up mundane and glossy

The Ugly:

Depp and Burton's relationship has expired and the film tries its hardest to push past the fact, but fails in nearly every aspect

3.5/10

Trailer:

Oct 17: Corpse Bride

"When a shy groom practices his wedding vows in the inadvertent presence of a deceased young woman, she rises from the grave assuming he has married her."

Directed by: Tim Burton, Rated: PG, 77 minutes

Tim Burton is a tricky filmmaker. His stuff is very hit and miss, with his latest stuff being almost un-watchable. His love affair with Johnny Depp seems to be never-ending and even when Burton makes an animated movie, like Corpse Bride, he has to have his man-friend as the main character. While many consider Corpse Bride to be a success amid Burton's newer bombs, I find the film to be incredibly boring and horribly paced. Hell, it's only 77 minutes and it feels like it- rushed and messy. 

Stone-faced boredom.

Victor (Depp) is a shy man, doing whatever his over-bearing parents tell him to do. He's nervous about nearly everything and when he's set to marry Victoria (Emily Watson), a beautiful girl that is the daughter of wealthy parents, he freaks out and runs away. While in the woods, he gathers his thoughts and attempts to compose himself, if it's just enough to get through the ceremony. As he musters up the courage, he practices his vows and talks to the trees as though they were the people. He goes as far as placing the ring on what appears to be a tree branch. Unfortunately for Victor, it's the hand of a dead woman (Helena Bonham Carter), looking for her own groom and she rises from the dead assuming he's the one to save her. Victor's teleported to the underworld where he encounters all sorts of ghouls, ghosts, and skeletons, and even his dead dog. As he realizes he's surrounded by the dead, Victor must find a way back to the living as well as a way to detach himself from the vows he made to Emily. 

She can't believe how boring it is either. 

Corpse Bride looks amazing. The stop-motion animation is done brilliantly and the contrast in colors, from the living to the dead, is beautiful (death is apparently the more vibrant one). The film also features Danny Elfman's magical music as well as a handful of original songs. These moments come and go too quickly to enjoy and there's simply not enough of them squeezed into this small little film. It's a large part of why the short running time is more frustrating than anything. You can tell much of the movie is trying to emulate the success of A Nightmare Before Christmas, but none of the songs are as catchy nor are the characters as appealing. Besides the visuals, Corpse Bride fails as a film. It's incredibly boring and the entire thing feels way too rushed, as though Burton just wanted to get it made as soon as possible. It's a shame because stop-motion animation takes forever to make and you'd think that in the lengthy process, more substance would have been added to the story. 

Shot frame by frame, someone had to realize it lacked the "umph" and the "ha" to be something great. 

I can't say my dislike for this film is a direct result of my recent disappointment with Burton, but I do find it lacking quite a bit. It looks pretty and sounds nice, but the story is crap. Johnny Depp does really nothing in his role besides whimper, cower, and whine and Burton's wife, Helena, just does a decent job as Emily. Both actors are clearly in their roles because of they're both married to Burton and I would have liked to see people with more energy in the roles. Elfman's music is great as are the songs, but they feel more like jingles than full songs. Corpse Bride really misses the mark and could have been something great. Instead, it fails about 75% of the time and is just as forgettable as Burton's latest films, like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Alice in Wonderland. For your money, you'd have more fun carving punkins and overdosing on candy corn. 

The Good:

great visuals and wonderful animation that help create a colorful world of the undead

The Bad:

lackluster voice acting that accompanies a really boring story that never escalates to greatness

The Ugly:

even for a passion project, Burton leaves you questioning his talent, wondering if he was only good in the 80s and 90s (and in 2003 with Big Fish)

Overall: 6.0/10

Trailer:

Be Sure to Check out Ries' Top 6 Tim Burton Flicks