Sep 28: Battleship

"A fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals."

Directed by: Peter Berg, Rated: PG-13, 131 minutes

If Hollywood just HAS to make a movie about a rather mundane board game and turn it into a summer "blockbuster" they could at least have the decency to make it interesting. With Battleship, the newest (and stupidest) unnecessary adaptation, we're given an absolutely boring film, with loud noises, decent effects, and a cast of characters no deeper than a puddle of a mud. Director Peter Berg manages to take an already stupid idea and turn it into something even worse, pretty much just giving us a piss-poor version of Transformers, but still less entertaining. Yes, folks, I prefer Transformers (something I've been known to despise) over this sad excuse for a film. 

Transformers! Robots in de-skies (and sea)!

This loud and obnoxious atrocity tells the story of Alex Hopper (Taylor "I Make Movies Bomb" Kitsch), a trouble making dude who manages to become the captain of the U.S.S John Paul Jones after a bunch of other people die when aliens attack. Because, we all know that shit like this happens all the time and our leading officers in the army simply "fall" into the position left and right. So yeah, back to the aliens. These robotic man-things that look like the robot in the NFL on FOX commercials come to earth, seeking something. We don't really know, they just invade. A bunch of shit blows up, an actual game of Battleship plays out on screen, and a quasi-patriotic montage of young soldiers working together with old veterans to get stuff done takes over your senses. Oh, and absolutely nothing (and I mean nothing) happens until 41 minutes into the film. 

With plenty of horrible changes in the NFL, this bad boy and his friends decide to take over earth. 

There's very little to be enjoyed with Battleship. Sure, some of the special effects look neat, but they're completely ruined minutes later when bad actors stand in front of even worse green screens. And, if you thought Star Trek had more lens flares than necessary, Battleship will make you want to watch it with sunglasses on. Before I watched the film, I thought that it would contain very little references to the board game, because I mean, come on, how can you incorporate bits of plastic and what not into a blockbuster movie. To much surprise, the film is riddled with nods to the game, each being more laugh-tastic than the last. Here's what I noticed: 1. the missiles the aliens use are pegs that look exactly like they're from the game 2. they use a grid like chart to coordinate attacks, even calling out F-22 and such 3. that same chart results in multiple "misses" and eventual "hits" 4. multiple quotes about being unable to "sink this battleship!" 5. once a boat is destroyed, the main characters jump aboard another 6. when it's all over, you fling the pieces in the air in frustration, knowing full well your little sibling cheated. 

F**k you, Kevin!

Battleship is a movie that's dead in the water before it starts. Ruined by its premise, raped by the fact its an adaption of a board game, and absolutely shat upon with its execution, the film goes nowhere and does nothing new. Taylor Kitsch proves again that he has no ability to carry a film and his horrible supporting cast can't save him (Rihanna's lines never cross the three word mark). Also, a random Liam Neeson can't do much for the film, even if his presence is only for about five minutes in a bloated 131 minute movie. Skip this movie if you can and if you've already seen it, I'm sorry. Films like these should not exist and I pray to God this disaster taught Hollywood a lesson. If not, expect Battleship 2: Monopoly Candyland, Summer 2014. 

The Good (yes, there is one):

The film uses plenty of real life former soldiers and Navy men, with even a veteran double amputee playing a big part in the film. I found this to be very awesome that real badasses were included 

The Bad:

an over-long mess that tries way too hard to be something epic, but turns into a shallow dump of bad special effects and even worse acting

The Ugly:

actually seeing the end result of an adaptation of a board game, and knowing full well what a horrible failure it is, and still knowing that more of these are on the way

Overall: 2.6/10

Trailer:

As a reminder, enter my contest for a free copy of The Avengers on Blu-ray! Click HERE for details!

Guest Review: Battleship

Hey, guys. Justin from Today I Watched a Movie here. I'm taking Nick's blog over for the day and renaming it The Cinematic Katzen-Jamiroquai reviewing a film that he said he wasn't going to review (but ended up doing anyway!)*

*editor note- while I may end up reviewing it myself, I may not have the patience of Justin

**editor note note- The Cinematic Katzen-Jamiroquai is a terrific idea

In an attempt to keep things fresh, I'm not going to be emulating Nick's style or using the same format I normally do reviews in on my own site. This review is going to be stream-of-consciousness style! Don't know what that is? Basically, I'm going to write down whatever movie-related thoughts come into my head as the movie plays, noting the times before each comment.

Here we go with Battleship!

1:10 - Ahhh! What is that awful screeching? I already know I'm going to be bored if they started out with a text prologue.

2:12 - We really are living in the future if they can set up a story like this in the not-too-distant past.

2:26 - Is that Dr. Doom's snotty assistant from Fantastic Four? Why is he giving such heavy-handed foreshadowing?

3:14 - Hey! It's John Carter!

3:29 - Wow, are you sure that's the take you want to go with, new guy? I mean, they probably could have reshot it if you asked.

6:27 - This is bringing back so many memories! My favorite part of playing Battleship as a kid was when you send your ships out to find a chicken burrito.

6:53 - PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Oh, sorry. I forgot this isn't my blog.

8:31 - Thank goodness there's ice in that tub, amirite?

9:31 - Almost ten minutes in, and now they show the boats.

10:40 - Ahhh! What is that awful screeching? Oh wait, that's just Rihanna.

10:54 - I spoke too soon about the boats. Apparently now I'm watching Foosball: The Movie.

15:12 - "I don't know who you are, but I will find you, and I will sink your battleship."

18:49 - Are Rihanna and the big doofus going to stay in the background commenting on everything for the whole film?

21:44 - "What is wrong with you?"…a line uttered by Liam Neeson fans the world over when it was announced he'd appear in this film.

23:16 - The boats are back! The boats are back!

28:25 - Every time I think they boats are back, they cut to something that isn't boats.

41:06 - Almost an hour into the movie, the main plot starts. I didn't comment any more until now because nothing worth noting happened.

42:06 - Just get some submarines and go under the barrier, you guys!

42:58 - Yay! The Transformers are here! They'll save the day for sure!

44:36 - Ahhh! What is that awful screeching? Rihanna must have left one of her songs playing.

44:58 - You're really using that "I didn't sign up for this" line, movie?

46:24 - The alien ships are shooting Battleship pegs at the boats. Hopefully this is not the only reference to the game in this film.

53:04 - I'm hoping the Comedy Relief Yelling Twins will meet a swift demise right about now.

53:54 - Samus, no! Those aren't Metroids!

54:36 - Battleship, ladies and gentlemen. The movie featuring scene after scene of sports being played on dry land.

55:02 - Ahhh! What is that awful screeching? It sounds like a bunch of kids screaming.

55:55 - Every time there's a destruction scene involving roads in a movie, they're required by law to show at least one kid, silently staring in awe as it happens.

1:00:48 - At certain angles, Taylor Kitsch looks a lot like that bald kid from X-Men 3.

1:01:13 - Yeah, thanks for pointing, doofus. I'm sure Cap'n Serious here can tell there's a Halo cosplayer on the floor.

1:02:43 - "Your motivation in this scene, Rihanna, is to provide us with a couple of voiceover lines for the trailer. Think you can handle that?"

1:09:51 - Meanwhile, back on Plot Convenience Hiking Trail…

1:12:11 - Man, those are some laid back horses. Aliens running around, cars blowing up, and they're just chillin', chewin' some grass.

1:16:12 - I almost forgot Liam Neeson was in this movie.

1:16:58 - Waaaaaait. Didn't the aliens destroy the satellite when they landed on Earth earlier in the movie?

1:21:07 - Okay, here we go. Second reference to the actual game.

1:25:09 - Third reference. Those aliens are totally cheating, though. You can't move your ships after you start playing!

1:32:20 - If they insisted on letting Rihanna be in this, the nice thing to do would be to not give her any lines.

1:41:04 - These WWII veterans are making Rihanna's acting skills look bad…She was doing just fine with that on her own, guys!

1:42:29 - What is with this song? I read once that the best movie soundtrack is the one you don't notice. DOESN'T APPLY HERE, APPARENTLY.

2:00:42 - And we end this awful, bloated mess of a movie as the most misused song in the history of misused songs gets played over the credits.

2:09:36 - I was letting the credits play in the background while I edited this review a bit, and wouldn't you know it? There's an after-credits scene. Watch it if you enjoy seeing Scottish boys beating space debris with a stick.

Trailer: