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The Cinematic Katzenjammer: Sep 28: Battleship


Sep 28: Battleship

"A fleet of ships is forced to do battle with an armada of unknown origins in order to discover and thwart their destructive goals."
Directed by: Peter Berg, Rated: PG-13, 131 minutes

If Hollywood just HAS to make a movie about a rather mundane board game and turn it into a summer "blockbuster" they could at least have the decency to make it interesting. With Battleship, the newest (and stupidest) unnecessary adaptation, we're given an absolutely boring film, with loud noises, decent effects, and a cast of characters no deeper than a puddle of a mud. Director Peter Berg manages to take an already stupid idea and turn it into something even worse, pretty much just giving us a piss-poor version of Transformers, but still less entertaining. Yes, folks, I prefer Transformers (something I've been known to despise) over this sad excuse for a film. 

Transformers! Robots in de-skies (and sea)!

This loud and obnoxious atrocity tells the story of Alex Hopper (Taylor "I Make Movies Bomb" Kitsch), a trouble making dude who manages to become the captain of the U.S.S John Paul Jones after a bunch of other people die when aliens attack. Because, we all know that shit like this happens all the time and our leading officers in the army simply "fall" into the position left and right. So yeah, back to the aliens. These robotic man-things that look like the robot in the NFL on FOX commercials come to earth, seeking something. We don't really know, they just invade. A bunch of shit blows up, an actual game of Battleship plays out on screen, and a quasi-patriotic montage of young soldiers working together with old veterans to get stuff done takes over your senses. Oh, and absolutely nothing (and I mean nothing) happens until 41 minutes into the film. 

With plenty of horrible changes in the NFL, this bad boy and his friends decide to take over earth. 

There's very little to be enjoyed with Battleship. Sure, some of the special effects look neat, but they're completely ruined minutes later when bad actors stand in front of even worse green screens. And, if you thought Star Trek had more lens flares than necessary, Battleship will make you want to watch it with sunglasses on. Before I watched the film, I thought that it would contain very little references to the board game, because I mean, come on, how can you incorporate bits of plastic and what not into a blockbuster movie. To much surprise, the film is riddled with nods to the game, each being more laugh-tastic than the last. Here's what I noticed: 1. the missiles the aliens use are pegs that look exactly like they're from the game 2. they use a grid like chart to coordinate attacks, even calling out F-22 and such 3. that same chart results in multiple "misses" and eventual "hits" 4. multiple quotes about being unable to "sink this battleship!" 5. once a boat is destroyed, the main characters jump aboard another 6. when it's all over, you fling the pieces in the air in frustration, knowing full well your little sibling cheated. 

F**k you, Kevin!

Battleship is a movie that's dead in the water before it starts. Ruined by its premise, raped by the fact its an adaption of a board game, and absolutely shat upon with its execution, the film goes nowhere and does nothing new. Taylor Kitsch proves again that he has no ability to carry a film and his horrible supporting cast can't save him (Rihanna's lines never cross the three word mark). Also, a random Liam Neeson can't do much for the film, even if his presence is only for about five minutes in a bloated 131 minute movie. Skip this movie if you can and if you've already seen it, I'm sorry. Films like these should not exist and I pray to God this disaster taught Hollywood a lesson. If not, expect Battleship 2: Monopoly Candyland, Summer 2014. 

The Good (yes, there is one):
The film uses plenty of real life former soldiers and Navy men, with even a veteran double amputee playing a big part in the film. I found this to be very awesome that real badasses were included 
The Bad:
an over-long mess that tries way too hard to be something epic, but turns into a shallow dump of bad special effects and even worse acting
The Ugly:
actually seeing the end result of an adaptation of a board game, and knowing full well what a horrible failure it is, and still knowing that more of these are on the way

Overall: 2.6/10


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At October 6, 2012 at 9:20 PM , Blogger Richard Kirkham said...

OK, I'm about to blow any credibility I might have had with you and your readers. You are right, it is not a good movie. That said, it was still a blast, the same way most of these alien invasion films are. I did not go back and see it a second time, but I enjoyed the two plus hours I was there and while I may have lost some brain cells in the process, a couple of beers would have had a greater impact on my grey matter.

Some story stuff is just subjective, the AC/DC music cue and the navy veterans were enough to give me a tingle, even though it was completely stupid.

Here, take a glance at my defense of a guilty pleasure, just try not to judge me too hard:


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