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The Cinematic Katzenjammer: Guest Review: Battleship


Guest Review: Battleship

Hey, guys. Justin from Today I Watched a Movie here. I'm taking Nick's blog over for the day and renaming it The Cinematic Katzen-Jamiroquai reviewing a film that he said he wasn't going to review (but ended up doing anyway!)*

*editor note- while I may end up reviewing it myself, I may not have the patience of Justin
**editor note note- The Cinematic Katzen-Jamiroquai is a terrific idea

In an attempt to keep things fresh, I'm not going to be emulating Nick's style or using the same format I normally do reviews in on my own site. This review is going to be stream-of-consciousness style! Don't know what that is? Basically, I'm going to write down whatever movie-related thoughts come into my head as the movie plays, noting the times before each comment.

Here we go with Battleship!

1:10 - Ahhh! What is that awful screeching? I already know I'm going to be bored if they started out with a text prologue.

2:12 - We really are living in the future if they can set up a story like this in the not-too-distant past.

2:26 - Is that Dr. Doom's snotty assistant from Fantastic Four? Why is he giving such heavy-handed foreshadowing?

3:14 - Hey! It's John Carter!

3:29 - Wow, are you sure that's the take you want to go with, new guy? I mean, they probably could have reshot it if you asked.

6:27 - This is bringing back so many memories! My favorite part of playing Battleship as a kid was when you send your ships out to find a chicken burrito.

6:53 - PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Oh, sorry. I forgot this isn't my blog.

8:31 - Thank goodness there's ice in that tub, amirite?

9:31 - Almost ten minutes in, and now they show the boats.

10:40 - Ahhh! What is that awful screeching? Oh wait, that's just Rihanna.

10:54 - I spoke too soon about the boats. Apparently now I'm watching Foosball: The Movie.

15:12 - "I don't know who you are, but I will find you, and I will sink your battleship."

18:49 - Are Rihanna and the big doofus going to stay in the background commenting on everything for the whole film?

21:44 - "What is wrong with you?"…a line uttered by Liam Neeson fans the world over when it was announced he'd appear in this film.

23:16 - The boats are back! The boats are back!

28:25 - Every time I think they boats are back, they cut to something that isn't boats.

41:06 - Almost an hour into the movie, the main plot starts. I didn't comment any more until now because nothing worth noting happened.

42:06 - Just get some submarines and go under the barrier, you guys!

42:58 - Yay! The Transformers are here! They'll save the day for sure!

44:36 - Ahhh! What is that awful screeching? Rihanna must have left one of her songs playing.

44:58 - You're really using that "I didn't sign up for this" line, movie?

46:24 - The alien ships are shooting Battleship pegs at the boats. Hopefully this is not the only reference to the game in this film.

53:04 - I'm hoping the Comedy Relief Yelling Twins will meet a swift demise right about now.

53:54 - Samus, no! Those aren't Metroids!

54:36 - Battleship, ladies and gentlemen. The movie featuring scene after scene of sports being played on dry land.

55:02 - Ahhh! What is that awful screeching? It sounds like a bunch of kids screaming.

55:55 - Every time there's a destruction scene involving roads in a movie, they're required by law to show at least one kid, silently staring in awe as it happens.

1:00:48 - At certain angles, Taylor Kitsch looks a lot like that bald kid from X-Men 3.

1:01:13 - Yeah, thanks for pointing, doofus. I'm sure Cap'n Serious here can tell there's a Halo cosplayer on the floor.

1:02:43 - "Your motivation in this scene, Rihanna, is to provide us with a couple of voiceover lines for the trailer. Think you can handle that?"

1:09:51 - Meanwhile, back on Plot Convenience Hiking Trail…

1:12:11 - Man, those are some laid back horses. Aliens running around, cars blowing up, and they're just chillin', chewin' some grass.

1:16:12 - I almost forgot Liam Neeson was in this movie.

1:16:58 - Waaaaaait. Didn't the aliens destroy the satellite when they landed on Earth earlier in the movie?

1:21:07 - Okay, here we go. Second reference to the actual game.

1:25:09 - Third reference. Those aliens are totally cheating, though. You can't move your ships after you start playing!

1:32:20 - If they insisted on letting Rihanna be in this, the nice thing to do would be to not give her any lines.

1:41:04 - These WWII veterans are making Rihanna's acting skills look bad…She was doing just fine with that on her own, guys!

1:42:29 - What is with this song? I read once that the best movie soundtrack is the one you don't notice. DOESN'T APPLY HERE, APPARENTLY.

2:00:42 - And we end this awful, bloated mess of a movie as the most misused song in the history of misused songs gets played over the credits.

2:09:36 - I was letting the credits play in the background while I edited this review a bit, and wouldn't you know it? There's an after-credits scene. Watch it if you enjoy seeing Scottish boys beating space debris with a stick.


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At September 26, 2012 at 4:03 AM , Blogger Ben Hayward said...

Love the stream of consciousness review!

Battleship was just ridiculous. I think the silliest part was when all of the veterans turned up out of nowhere and saved the day alongside an ACDC song. That, and the paraplegic guy who beatdown a whole gang of aliens...

Here's my review from a few months back:

At September 26, 2012 at 8:37 PM , Blogger Nick said...

I still haven't seen it, but the review above makes it sound...interesting. I'll definitely check out your review once I watch it myself.


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