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The Cinematic Katzenjammer: March 13: The Three Musketeers


March 13: The Three Musketeers

"The hot-headed young D'Artagnan along with three former legendary but now down on their luck Musketeers must unite and defeat a beautiful double agent and her villainous employer from seizing the French throne and engulfing Europe in war."

   The Three Musketeers is a film that has a solid first 20 minutes then absolutely plummets into the awful depths of being an almost unwatchable piece of shit. The beginning gives you hope. It starts off almost as a hybrid of Resident Evil and Assassin's Creed (yeah, I know, awesome!), and then it just gets so messy, so poorly directed, written, and acted, that you feel guilty for thinking something so bad could have moments that cool. I am shocked the talent involved in the film were actually willing to be associated with the film. Matthew Macfadyen, Christoph Waltz, and Ray Stevenson are much higher caliber actors than this, and the film is an absolute insult to their talent. And as a side note: Mr. Orlando Bloom, please stop trying to act.. you can't. 

Wins Oscar. Goes on to star in The Green Hornet, Water for Elephants, and The Three Musketeers. Da Fuq?

      The Three Musketeers is a travesty. It completely destroys a classic story, adding in it's own elements that just don't fit (airships and lady assassins). The film clearly tries to mold it's appeal to a more modern audience, with steam punk gadgets, over-the-top action, and of course the glorious use of 3D. And as always, when watched in 2D, the flat objects meaning to come out of the screen at you, are just distracting. The whole film tries way too hard to be epic and it's ambition to be big, deflates the whole thing into a one dimensional farce. Many of the green screen sets are just that- screens; as a lot of the more larger scale scenes' backgrounds look like big painted sheets. 

Museums have better graphics. 

   Overall, I would not recommend The Three Musketeers at all. At 110 minutes, the film drags on and on and, with each minute passing, you lose more and more interest. By the end, you don't even care. The film actually has the balls to end with a lead-in to a possible sequel. The Three Musketeers is not only a failure as a film, or with critics, or with audiences, or with me, but the fact it thinks that it has what it takes to start a franchise is baffling. Just skip the film completely and revisit the "classic" 1993 Disney version, starring Jack Bauer, Oliver Platt, and Charlie Sheen... Winning.

The Bad:
terrible dialogue delivered by actors who clearly don't care about their careers anymore
The Worse:
special effects that scream "I'M A GREEN SCREEN!" 
The Worst:
Actually enjoying the first 20 minutes only to be ashamed and embarrassed for liking any part of the film

Overall: 2.9/10

Best Quote (taste the awful):
D'Artagnan: Enjoying the show? 
Constance: Are you always this cocky? 
D'Artagnan: Only on Tuesdays... and whenever beautiful women are involved. 
Constance: So, you think I'm beautiful? 
D'Artagnan: Actually, it's Tuesday.  


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At March 14, 2012 at 7:46 PM , Blogger Josh Jones said...

I'm still gonna watch it!

At March 15, 2012 at 11:09 AM , Blogger hobbestiger said...

This was playing on the screen next to me when I went to the drive in a few months ago. I caught a few scenes and overheard the end once our movie ended was amazed at how terrible it was. Review seems very accurate. What a terrible thing to ruin such an amazing book and a pretty decent early 90's movie as mentioned in the review.

At March 15, 2012 at 11:10 AM , Blogger Nick said...

Yeah I was disappointed... The Three Musketeers is such a simply awesome story. I really don't know why anyone hasn't been able to make an epic adaptation of it in quite some time.


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