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The Cinematic Katzenjammer: March 4: ThanksKilling

Sunday

March 4: ThanksKilling

"A homicidal turkey axes off college kids during Thanksgiving break."

   From the opening shot of ThanksKilling (it's a porn star, playing a pilgrim, running through the woods topless for no reason), you can tell it's going to be an absolutely disgustingly bad film. I really don't know why I watched anything past the first minute, but this is a request, so I'll fight through it. The premise is simple. Every single aspect of ThanksKilling is awful. There really is no redeeming factors of the film and every single copy of the film needs to be tracked down and burned, then the ashes either launched into space or thrown in the ocean. This film should not exist, in any way at all, and I am ashamed of myself for actually watching it. Luckily, at only 70 minutes in length, this was just a quick trip through Hell. 

In Hell, you can only watch ThanksKilling, listen to Rebecca Black, and read Family Circus. F**k.

   The acting in ThanksKilling is worse than the acting in a 7th grade history project video and I feel that any one of you readers would do a billion times better than anyone in this film. None of the actors and characters are likable and you hope they all die painfully, but quickly. The villain is a turkey, poorly made, in puppet form, who actually talks. His voice is almost as if Oscar the Grouch and a grumpy old cab driver had some back alley "alone time" and made this terrible, terrible character. There is no one to root for in ThanksKilling and you just ache for it to all be over. There is literally a scene where a man picks the turkey up on the side of the road, and wants to f**k it, stating how "sweet its ass is". Swear on my life, this actually happens. 
When polled, 100 out of 100 people said they would never f**k a turkey. 

   Overall, ThanksKilling isn't even worthy of being called a film. The thing is absolute trash and has absolutely no redeeming qualities. The special effects are disgustingly bad. It's almost like they didn't even try, but just poured red corn syrup over everything and called it a day. I have never, ever seen acting as bad as what is in ThanksKilling, and I pray none of the cast members are ever allowed on a production set again. They need to be quarantined for how bad they are, never again to be allowed in public.  Most terrible films are so bad that they are at least laughable and can be made into a somewhat entertaining commentary, but ThanksKilling cannot even provide that. It makes me so angry knowing this piece of shit exists and I pray to God none of you reading this will give it your time and attention. 

The Bad:
the idea, the premise, and everything involved in the making of this piece of crap
The Worse:
the idea, the premise, and everything involved in the making of this piece of crap
The Worst:
ThanksKilling

Overall: 0.1/10
AVOID THIS SHIT LIKE THE PLAGUE. 

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posted by Nick @ Sunday, March 04, 2012   2 Comments

2 Comments:

At March 5, 2012 at 10:02 AM , Blogger Philip W. said...

I think the title alone should merit a 0.3!

 
At April 3, 2012 at 12:14 AM , Blogger Jayde Darling said...

Dear Sir,

First let me give full transparency in saying that I had absolutely nothing to do with the making of this film; I feel it needs to be said because anytime someone sticks up for an independent film online, it seems someone comes along and cries "You probably were in it!" or something equally obnoxious. I will say that I came across the link to this review by someone who WAS in the film, so that no one decides to look me up and see a FB connection (because they have too much time on their hands) and try to debase my opinion.

I am simply an absolute horror nerd; I have seen over 5,000 horror films, from top budget big name productions, to straight to DVD indies, to films sold in the parking lots of horror conventions made by five people with a camcorder. I am both critical and loving, and have a keen eye for breaking them down in the first ten minutes. I've written commentaries on horror film culture, actors, production companies, and the socio-economical ethics of the horror film and have been contacted by the film makers I have discussed for further conversation. I have been kissed full on the mouth by Ruggero Deodato (the acclaimed director of Cannibal Holocaust) at both Fangoria in LA and Cinema Wasteland in Cleveland. I eat, live and breathe horror films, and probably have spent more time parked in movie theater seats or on the sofa with Netflix than is healthy. I have been painstakingly creating an anthology of 70's exploitation films for the past nine years. In short, I have a wide knowledge of the genre.

All that being said, I don't really think you GOT it when you were watching this movie. I don't know if you misread the stats and saw James Cameron's named attached to the project or are a huge fan of deep, moving films like Schindler's List and thus watch all of your films with the stately glasses of a Hollywood green lighter, or if you're just hating on this movie because someone asked you to watch it and you don't appreciate the genre.

This film, to me and many I know, stands as EXACTLY what independent horror film making is about. Taking a concept so ridiculous, throwing as little money as you can onto it, and busting out a hilarious, obscene, almost so bad it's classic piece of horror film. The premise is stupid? Obviously. It's a movie about a killer turkey with an ebonics vocabulary and a never ceasing hard on. It's not supposed to be The DaVinci Code. It's an opus to the age old one-man-and-a-camera horror film. It's like everything Sam Raimi tried to do before he decided he cares what people think of his filmography. It's dark, witty, silly, horny, rambunctious, guilty pleasure fun wrapped up in a 90 minute box.

The scene where the turkey is drinking coffee with the Dad? Hysterical.
The following scene where the turkey is wearing a miniature of the Dad's face and passing? Elevate that hysterical to classic.

It's over the top. It's meant to be, and it indulges in every ridiculous whimsy the writer had without asking for you to like it. This movie made me want to fuck a turkey. OK, not really, but it could have and cult fans get that. Look at the soaring to-date popularity of films like Dolls, Toxic Avenger and Female Trouble. I have no doubt that if this movie could reach a higher level of distribution, that it could easily become a top cult classic in the next ten years. It's so damn popular in the underground that they're making a second one.

So, it sucks that you think it's so lowly that it deserves a .1 and you rate films like the remake of The Thing a 7.2, but oh well, that's life. I just don't think you should be rating movies that you can't comprehend the tongue-in-cheek value of.

Thanks.

JJH

 

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