March 20: Carnage

"Two pairs of parents hold a cordial meeting after their sons are involved in a fight, though as their time together progresses, increasingly childish behavior throws the evening into chaos."

  Carnage is a movie filmed entirely in one apartment and is completely reliant on the performances of its four cast members. It's claustrophobic and frustrating, because these characters, arguing for 80 minutes, can simply just walk out a door to avoid more fighting, but don't. Each "out" that's presented is teased, with coats being put on and hands on the door knob, but no one leaves. Each of their egos gets the best of them, and they have to continually one up the next person. All four characters are played exceptionally well by Jodie Foster, John C. Reilly, Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz. And, as Carnage continues, all four become very unlikable as their characters spiral down into a chaotic mess of vomit, tears, cologne, alcohol, and tulips.

Who knew tulips complimented scotch and barf so well?

   Of the four main cast members, John C. Reilly is definitely the most likable and provides the most laughs. He seems to be one of the most grounded of the four, and while his wife (Foster) proves to be an absolute b**ch, you end up rooting for Reilly in the end. Winslet is much more relaxed and crazy than most of her roles and it's refreshing to see her acting in a role that's not her just seemingly trying to win awards. Christoph Waltz is much better then how he's been lately (see The Three Musketeers), and his American accent is actually believable (note: he's crazy German). 

F**k that movie is good. 

   Overall, Carnage is very entertaining for what it is- four people arguing in a room for an hour and a half. The dialogue feels real, smart, and funny; and, although some of what unfolds seems over-the-top, the film works wonders. Carnage is adapted from a French play by Yasmina Reza and, while I am not familiar with the source material, I can only imagine its transfer to film is faithful and successful. I am a sucker for play adaptations (Closer, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, Sleuth), and I understand dialogue driven films aren't for everyone, but I would highly recommend Carnage. 

The Good:

exceptional acting from four very high caliber actors

The Better:

a smart script that never loses your interest

The Best:

John C. Reilly... people forget he can actually act

Overall: 8.2/10

Best Quote:

1. Penelope : Did you know Ethan had a gang?
2. Michael : No, but I'm thrilled to hear it!

Trailer:

March 13: The Three Musketeers

"The hot-headed young D'Artagnan along with three former legendary but now down on their luck Musketeers must unite and defeat a beautiful double agent and her villainous employer from seizing the French throne and engulfing Europe in war."

   The Three Musketeers is a film that has a solid first 20 minutes then absolutely plummets into the awful depths of being an almost unwatchable piece of shit. The beginning gives you hope. It starts off almost as a hybrid of Resident Evil and Assassin's Creed (yeah, I know, awesome!), and then it just gets so messy, so poorly directed, written, and acted, that you feel guilty for thinking something so bad could have moments that cool. I am shocked the talent involved in the film were actually willing to be associated with the film. Matthew Macfadyen, Christoph Waltz, and Ray Stevenson are much higher caliber actors than this, and the film is an absolute insult to their talent. And as a side note: Mr. Orlando Bloom, please stop trying to act.. you can't. 

Wins Oscar. Goes on to star in The Green Hornet, Water for Elephants, and The Three Musketeers. Da Fuq?

      The Three Musketeers is a travesty. It completely destroys a classic story, adding in it's own elements that just don't fit (airships and lady assassins). The film clearly tries to mold it's appeal to a more modern audience, with steam punk gadgets, over-the-top action, and of course the glorious use of 3D. And as always, when watched in 2D, the flat objects meaning to come out of the screen at you, are just distracting. The whole film tries way too hard to be epic and it's ambition to be big, deflates the whole thing into a one dimensional farce. Many of the green screen sets are just that- screens; as a lot of the more larger scale scenes' backgrounds look like big painted sheets. 

Museums have better graphics. 

   Overall, I would not recommend The Three Musketeers at all. At 110 minutes, the film drags on and on and, with each minute passing, you lose more and more interest. By the end, you don't even care. The film actually has the balls to end with a lead-in to a possible sequel. The Three Musketeers is not only a failure as a film, or with critics, or with audiences, or with me, but the fact it thinks that it has what it takes to start a franchise is baffling. Just skip the film completely and revisit the "classic" 1993 Disney version, starring Jack Bauer, Oliver Platt, and Charlie Sheen... Winning.

The Bad:

terrible dialogue delivered by actors who clearly don't care about their careers anymore

The Worse:

special effects that scream "I'M A GREEN SCREEN!" 

The Worst:

Actually enjoying the first 20 minutes only to be ashamed and embarrassed for liking any part of the film

Overall: 2.9/10

Best Quote (taste the awful):

D'Artagnan: Enjoying the show? 
Constance: Are you always this cocky? 
D'Artagnan: Only on Tuesdays... and whenever beautiful women are involved. 
Constance: So, you think I'm beautiful? 
D'Artagnan: Actually, it's Tuesday.  

Trailer: