Oct 5: Slither

"A small town is taken over by an alien plague, turning residents into zombies and all forms of mutant monsters."

Directed by: James Gunn, Rated: R, 95 minutes

Slither is the king of B-movies, blending just the right amount of twisted humor, plenty of gore, and cringe-worthy moments that make you sick in both the stomach and the head. It's a movie made by horror fans who know what true fans want and deliver it in the most over-the-top fashion. Slither is a horror movie of all sorts, emulating monster flicks, invasion movies, and even zombie films. It's a hodge podge of horror thrown into a pot, that although sometimes doesn't quite stick, still proves to be one hell of a ride. 

Whenever you can see tentacles bursting out of the chest of Michael Rooker, you know you're gonna have a good time. 

The womanizing and abusive Grant Grant (Michael Rooker) takes a young woman out into the woods for some "fun time". Its here that he discovers a fallen meteorite of some kind and after his redneck curiosity gets the best of him, a parasitic worm crawls into his body and takes over his brain. Grant Grant changes, slowly becoming a giant worm/squid-like man hybrid. He makes an unexpected visit to a young fling and "impregnates" her with his worm thing. After she grows larger and larger, she unleashes thousands of these slithering worms in a small town known more for its obsession with deer hunting than anything else. It's up to Sheriff Bill Pardy (Nathan Fillion), an incompetent mayor (Gregg Henry), and Grant Grant's wife, Starla (Elizabeth Banks) to save the town from total destruction and survive the night themselves.

Captain Hammer to the rescue. 

Slither is by no means a perfect film. However, you realize almost immediately that its intentions are to never be such a thing. The film references countless horror movies of the past, from The Blob to Dawn of the Dead and relishes in the fact it's trying so hard to be similar. It's cheesy, over-the-top, and packed full of so many gross out moments you can't help laugh your way out of it. The creature designs are simple, as they really are just slugs that move along, throat-raping their victims into zombie-like statuses. And although the slugs are the main monster of the film, there are plenty of other bigger creatures that are even more f**ked up. Each "reveal" is both unexpected and hilarious, in the "I can't believe I'm watching this!" kind of way. 

Yep, that's a person. 

Slither isn't for everyone. It's very violent, very bloody, and has all the messy bits of people and animals you're not meant to see. It's absolutely f**ked up in nearly every aspect, but it's so glorious you can't help but enjoy it. It's a film made for lovers of this kind of movie and doesn't hold anything back to appease those unfamiliar with the genre. The story is simple, even lacking actually, but when has the plot really mattered in a sub-par horror flick? It's simple a means of chugging the movie along so we can see more creative kills, creepier creatures, and have a laugh about it all. I'd definitely recommend Slither. Just keep your mouth covered. 

The Good:

a terrific throwback to horror movies of the past, adding a modern take that's more f**ked up than it should be... oh, and Nathan Fillion of course

The Bad:

severely lacking in any depth for the characters, with each cliche getting worse and worse (yet, it's still fun)

The Ugly:

the film's a little too messed up at times, with a climactic osmosis orgy that's just too weird

Overall: 7.0/10

Trailer:

Sept. 11: What to Expect When You're Expecting

"A look at love through the eyes of five interconnected couples experiencing the thrills and surprises of having a baby, and ultimately coming to understand the universal truth that no matter what you plan for, life doesn't always deliver what's expected."

Directed by: Kirk Jones, Rated: PG-13, 110 minutes

It's only fair that after making my girlfriend watch Snatch, Sin City, and other manly movies, she would make me watch something of the rom-com persuasion. It just so happens (kill me now) that What to Expect When You're Expecting popped up at Redbox. This film has everything in a film that makes you hate movies, life, and anything else related to the term "chick-flick". The idea that a movie could be adapted from one of the most un-adaptable books of all time is disgusting, but then throw in a cast of some of the most hated actors and actresses (in my mind) and What To Expect When You're Expecting is torturous to watch. 

Whenever you have the f**ker from Glee in a movie, you know you're gonna have to a bad time. 

There's so much to hate about this movie. A bunch of good looking rich people get knocked up and "struggle" through their pregnancies and births, wondering how to raise a kid that's not even here yet and learning what it means to be a parent. None of the characters have any depth or emotion to them, and sympathizing with any of them is damn near impossible. Even the sometimes Elizabeth Banks turns into a character that's too cliche and stupid to care about, and each line she mutters is something you've heard 1000 times before. The rest of the cast is just as unlikable, with people that shouldn't even bother acting, actually participating in the film. Jennifer Lopez, Matthew Morrison, Brookyln Decker, and Cameron Diaz are all unfit for movies (hate me if you want) and seeing them try and carry a film is simply laughable. Throw in a ton of other recognizable faces and you still have a shit movie. It's funny how studios think that throwing a bunch of somewhat "talented" people into a film will make it good, when really none of them have any acting chops worth awarding or recognizing. 

The film even features The Quaid as an ex-NASCAR driver who's always in Margaritaville. 

One of the worst parts of this film is the ending. As every film of this "style" does, everything comes together in the end at the hospital. Obviously through the magic of movies, everything happens at the same time and the entire cast, even those you didn't think were related, somehow manage to come together. It's a lazy technique to wrap everything up and the fact the filmmakers think it's a good ending is even worse. It's also worth mentioning that a movie based off of a self-help book teaches absolutely nothing about pregnancy or babies in general. Unless of course you count arguing about circumcising, epidurals, or buying an incredible house (for the baby). 

Go to sleep, Junior. There's nothing to see (or enjoy) here. 

As you can imagine, I would highly recommend staying away from this movie. It's hands down one of the worst movie of not only the year, but in recent memory. As you can tell, I didn't even both attempting to explain the plot, as there is very little outside of pregnant people with a ton of money complaining about having a baby. The guys in the film, in their own little "Baby Club", may have stolen the movie and made it decent had every line they uttered not been force-fed to us in the trailers. There are no surprises in this flick, nor are there moments worth laughing at. It's a string of unfunny jokes with dated references (each 'relevant' pop culture reference has no lasting power) and a cast so easy to hate you can't even try to like this movie. Skip it. Burn it. Forget it. 

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:
see above (hint, it's everything)

Overall: 1.2/10

Trailer: