Sept. 11: What to Expect When You're Expecting

"A look at love through the eyes of five interconnected couples experiencing the thrills and surprises of having a baby, and ultimately coming to understand the universal truth that no matter what you plan for, life doesn't always deliver what's expected."

Directed by: Kirk Jones, Rated: PG-13, 110 minutes

It's only fair that after making my girlfriend watch Snatch, Sin City, and other manly movies, she would make me watch something of the rom-com persuasion. It just so happens (kill me now) that What to Expect When You're Expecting popped up at Redbox. This film has everything in a film that makes you hate movies, life, and anything else related to the term "chick-flick". The idea that a movie could be adapted from one of the most un-adaptable books of all time is disgusting, but then throw in a cast of some of the most hated actors and actresses (in my mind) and What To Expect When You're Expecting is torturous to watch. 

Whenever you have the f**ker from Glee in a movie, you know you're gonna have to a bad time. 

There's so much to hate about this movie. A bunch of good looking rich people get knocked up and "struggle" through their pregnancies and births, wondering how to raise a kid that's not even here yet and learning what it means to be a parent. None of the characters have any depth or emotion to them, and sympathizing with any of them is damn near impossible. Even the sometimes Elizabeth Banks turns into a character that's too cliche and stupid to care about, and each line she mutters is something you've heard 1000 times before. The rest of the cast is just as unlikable, with people that shouldn't even bother acting, actually participating in the film. Jennifer Lopez, Matthew Morrison, Brookyln Decker, and Cameron Diaz are all unfit for movies (hate me if you want) and seeing them try and carry a film is simply laughable. Throw in a ton of other recognizable faces and you still have a shit movie. It's funny how studios think that throwing a bunch of somewhat "talented" people into a film will make it good, when really none of them have any acting chops worth awarding or recognizing. 

The film even features The Quaid as an ex-NASCAR driver who's always in Margaritaville. 

One of the worst parts of this film is the ending. As every film of this "style" does, everything comes together in the end at the hospital. Obviously through the magic of movies, everything happens at the same time and the entire cast, even those you didn't think were related, somehow manage to come together. It's a lazy technique to wrap everything up and the fact the filmmakers think it's a good ending is even worse. It's also worth mentioning that a movie based off of a self-help book teaches absolutely nothing about pregnancy or babies in general. Unless of course you count arguing about circumcising, epidurals, or buying an incredible house (for the baby). 

Go to sleep, Junior. There's nothing to see (or enjoy) here. 

As you can imagine, I would highly recommend staying away from this movie. It's hands down one of the worst movie of not only the year, but in recent memory. As you can tell, I didn't even both attempting to explain the plot, as there is very little outside of pregnant people with a ton of money complaining about having a baby. The guys in the film, in their own little "Baby Club", may have stolen the movie and made it decent had every line they uttered not been force-fed to us in the trailers. There are no surprises in this flick, nor are there moments worth laughing at. It's a string of unfunny jokes with dated references (each 'relevant' pop culture reference has no lasting power) and a cast so easy to hate you can't even try to like this movie. Skip it. Burn it. Forget it. 

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:
see above (hint, it's everything)

Overall: 1.2/10

Trailer:

May 12: Knight & Day

"A story of a girl who gets mixed up with a spy trying to clear his name."

Knight & Day is fun ride that cannot be taken seriously. It's entertaining, with great action sequences and explosions, but never transcends the fact that it is merely a formulaic spy flick. Luckily the action, stunt-work, and exotic/world-wide locations makes Knight & Day enjoyable to watch. Tom Cruise continues to prove he's still the movie star we've come to know. He's kicking ass, shooting thugs, and continually being beaten up, all while smiling and reeking of charisma. He never stops entertaining and, while his personal life may be somewhat bat-shit crazy, I will continue to watch his movies. 

Yeah, he's going to play a rock star. See here.

Knight & Day's plot follows all of the cliches of a spy "thriller". Someone gets caught up in a whole lot of something (in this case Cameron Diaz's June), whose seemingly only way out of the mess is to ride along with Roy (Cruise), a secret agent spy man who's trying to keep a genius safe. The genius has created a battery that never needs charging and can prove to be a constant source of energy. Of course everyone wants this battery, so it's up to Roy to keep it safe, along with watching over the clearly incompetent and panicked June. All in all, the plot really doesn't matter, as it's the nearly constant action that makes Knight & Day worthwhile. 

Although I really hate Cameron Diaz...

Like I mentioned, I really don't like Diaz, but she's just good enough in this role to ignore her flaws (although she's still pretty annoying). Her chemistry with Cruise is actually pretty good, but I still would have liked to see other actresses in the role. Overall, however, Knight & Day works in its own little way and, while not being anywhere near the quality of say, the Mission Impossible films, it's a mindless popcorn movie with more than enough entertainment. 

The Good:

great action sequences showing of Cruise's abilities to kick ass and play it insanely cool

The Bad:

an inconsistent plot used merely as a way of tying together each bit of action

The Ugly:

Cameron Diaz... she's not hot... I don't understand her "star-power"

Overall: 6.7/10

Trailer: