April 9: Drive Angry- 100th Review!

"A vengeful father escapes from hell and chases after the men who killed his daughter and kidnapped his granddaughter."

After a little over 3 months, I have hit another milestone- my 100th review. I figured it would be appropriate to have a Nic Cage week happening during this review. And, why not review one of his newer films, Drive Angry? Enjoy.

   I am not going to lie. I found Drive Angry to be very enjoyable. Sure, the movie sucks more ass than a rectal plunger but it's one hell of a ride. Drive Angry is a pulpy, over-the-top, cheesy throwback to the old grindhouse flicks, full of awful dialogue and, of course, the great Nicolas Cage. Cage plays Milton (hilarious, I know!), a man who literally escapes Hell and comes back to earth to revenge the death of his daughter, who was brutally murdered by the leader of a satanist cult. Chasing after him is the Accountant, played terrifically by the underrated and underused William Fichtner. The Accountant is almost like a warden of Hell and it's his job to put Milton back in his place, no matter what. So, right off the bat I have to say that the plot alone is pretty badass because it is essentially the classic battle of good vs. evil. 

With way more blood, gore, muscle cars, and babes.

   Drive Angry's script is so bad and campy, almost every line uttered is hilarious. Minus some of the special effects, you could assume the film was made in the 70s and enjoyed entirely in fifty cent drive in theaters. To highlight some of the insanity- Cage kills about ten dudes while having sex with a lady friend, a coven of drunk satanists partake in a sacrificial orgy, and Cage drinks beer out of a human skull. All of this is just a couple of examples in a film that has more than enough to make your mind explode. Every aspect of Drive Angry screams at you, telling you how bad it is, but you can't help but enjoy some of it. 

Just look at him... so damn badass. 

   Now, Drive Angry was filmed in 3D and obviously tailored for the gimmick. Even watched in 2D, you can obviously tell when stuff is meant to come out of the screen at you. While I usually find this distracting, Drive Angry uses it to heighten the film's exploitation factor even more. I would definitely recommend Drive Angry as a rental on a boring Friday night. Just keep in mind that it's much more entertaining than it is actually good. And, while I hate to admit it, I kind of want to see a sequel. But let's keep that between me, you, and the confusingly awesome, Nicolas Cage. 

The Good:

over-the-top everything that never stops and you can't help but laugh your ass off

The Bad:

that same over-the-top everything

The Ugly:

actually finding it highly enjoyable when you want to hate it oh, so much

Overall: 4.5/10 as a film

 8.5 for the fun factor

Best Quote:

Jonah King: It’d be bloody easy for me to shoot you in the throat and watch you gurgle while I eat my morning grapefruit. 

Trailer:

April 7: The Ward

"A thriller centered on an institutionalized young woman who becomes terrorized by a ghost."

   According to The Ward, any girl sent to a mental institution in the 60's had to be insanely attractive. Even the ghost, whose story unfolds in flashbacks, was once a hottie herself. I wasn't around in the 60's, but maybe it was a completely different time where the uglies roamed the streets and the hotties were locked away, downing pills and getting electrocuted (for science!). Regardless, The Ward's attractive cast is certainly distracting and, instead of having itself taken seriously like Shutter Island, it falls into the "blonde bimbo being chased by a killer" genre. Films set within the walls of an insane asylum are usually creepy in some way, because of the setting alone, but The Ward is not one bit scary and fails to even raise the hairs on the back of your neck. 

I'm...so... startled...

   There really isn't anything good about The Ward. It's a shame too because, at the helm is John Carpenter, the master of horror who gave us The Thing and Halloween (still scares the shit out of me). It's hard to imagine that someone that good could make something so bad, and you wonder if he even has anything left in his old little body. I actually struggled to get through the film because it was so boring and predictable. Each scare was placed exactly where you think it would be and the ending is so idiotically cliche and over-used that you see it coming from the opening credits. It's baffling that someone who made one of the most suspenseful movies of all time in Halloween can't even build up a couple of moments in The Ward to bring you to the edge of your seat. 

While just looking at this guy's face makes me shit myself a little bit. 

   I would not recommend The Ward at all, as the entire thing is just a cliche, wannabe piece of horror. Insanely predictable and lacking in scares, The Ward isn't even worth watching on a rainy Saturday. The film is so close to being bad enough to make fun of, but it never crosses the line into campy entertainment. It's just a poorly made horror film with good production value and acting just decent enough to let you know it's not a film school project. The Ward is certainly no return to form for John Carpenter and it's sad to say he is definitely past his prime. 

The Bad:

ridiculous story you can predict every step of the way

The Ugly:

realizing we will never again get anything as good as Halloween from Mr. Carpenter

The Awful:

a horror movie with no horror, just whores

Overall: 2.3/10

Trailer:

Feb 16: The Rum Diary

"American journalist Paul Kemp takes on a freelance job in Puerto Rico for a local newspaper during the 1960s and struggles to find a balance between island culture and the expatriates who live there."

   The Rum Diary is a rather boring movie set in a beautiful location. Throw in a lot of alcohol and drugs and things do get somewhat interesting, but it all becomes more like a messy hangover than the high itself. The pacing is awful as the film can't decide what kind of movie it wants to be. The Rum Diary is filled with the tiniest bits of humor, all are genuinely funny, but then changes into a drama and loses anything it has going for it. If the film just stuck with one genre; I feel the movie would succeed, but it' constant changing makes it a mess. Johnny Depp is great in his role and seeing him play a more "normal" role is always refreshing, as his continued relationship with Tim Burton is getting a little out of control. They are kind of like the couple you see in a public place that won't stop groping each other. It's cute at first, then it's just gross and annoying.

Like this, but with crazier hair and scissor-hands. 

   The Rum Diary is based off a book by Hunter S. Thompson and, as Depp is one of his biggest fans, you would think the film would be much better than it is. Depp, however, is not the problem. The writing is a mess and the best lines of dialogue, I would assume, are straight from the book itself. The direction is boring and never seems to capture the exotic setting as well as it could. It's almost as though Depp went from point A to point B and the director simply followed without even attempting to add any style or mojo of his own. As for the soundtrack, it's great and adds a little character to the film but, even then, the good music can't save the film. I can't help but wonder how good The Rum Diary could be if it had all of its gears turning in unison. It has the taste of greatness, but leaves a bitterness of blah in your mouth at the end. 

Yep. He doesn't care either. 

   Overall, The Rum Diary is a film that almost hit the mark, but also missed by a mile. The acting is terrific and not only does Depp fit the role, his supporting cast shines. Giovanni Ribisi is amazing as a permanent drunk ex-Nazi and Michael Rispoli is great as Depp's right hand man. However, the acting doesn't save the movie and with a weak script and a plot that jumps everywhere, The Rum Diary fails to be anything exceptional. It's absolutely boring at its best and almost knows this fact as it barely tries to be anything more. The best part is seeing Johnny Depp play a regular, real human being, and it's a reminder of how great he really is without all the crazy makeup and silly voices. 

The Good:

incredibly well acted

The Bad:

a messy story with plain, boring dialogue

The Ugly:

realizing it could be great if all the pieces came together better than it does

Overall: 5.5/10

Best Quote:

Paul Kemp: [looking into the eyes of a lobster in a tank] "Human beings are the only creatures on earth that claim a god and the only living thing that behaves like it hasn't got one."

P.S Watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas instead.