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The Cinematic Katzenjammer: Sep 2: ATM- A Spoiler Packed Review


Sep 2: ATM- A Spoiler Packed Review

"On a late night visit to an ATM, three co-workers end up in a desperate fight for their lives when they become trapped by an unknown man"
Directed by: David Brookers, Rated: R, 90 minutes


Okay, what the f**k did I just watch? This movie has to be hands down one of the stupidest pieces of crap I've ever seen. The writing is atrocious, the characters idiotic, and every moment of 'suspense' is immediately followed with you yelling at the screen, asking "WHY THE F**K DON'T YOU JUST RUN AWAY!?" to the three main "victims". ATM (great title, ain't it?) is a movie about three young business people or whatever who stop at a random ATM on the way home to get some money for some food the douche bag best friend (Josh Peck, yes I love Drake & Josh, deal with it) just so desperately needs. He's already crashing his friend's date (we'll call him Randal because I didn't care to remember his name) with Blondie and apparently just tagged along for the sake of an already disgusting plot. Of course, on the way to the ATM they throw a bunch of shit at your face to "build up" to what happens, telling us (in clear detail) that not only does Josh Peck not have his phone on him, but Randal's phone also has a dead battery. How convenient that the easiest way out of their upcoming situation is immediately ruined?

"Horror" movie characters don't know shit about managing their phone's battery life. 

 So they get to the ATM, and one at a time they head into the booth. It's one of those stand-alone things in the middle of a parking lot. After all three are inside, a man in a poofy coat pops up in the shadows (we'll call him Poofy). Of course the three kids are scared and hesitate leaving the building. Then bam! out of nowhere, a stranger is walking his dog in this empty parking lot, at one in the morning, when it's like ten degrees below zero. So Poofy walks over to Dog Walker and beats the living shit out of him by pounding his head into the cement. There you go, Poofy's a bad, bad man. He'll f**k your shit up. Thus the three darlings are even more scared and start freaking out. Of course, the two dudes don't have phones and the blonde just HAD to forget her phone in the car Poofy is now standing beside. So more shit happens, they empty their pockets and try to trigger an alarm on the ATM. Fade to black. Turns out a couple hours has passed and the three are freezing their asses off. Poofy's still standing outside, waiting. As the three realize their time is running out because of the cold, they begin coming up every f**king idea in the book EXCEPT for running like hell. Poofy continually messes around with the back of the building, cutting wires and making holes and everything, giving the three the prime opportunity for an immediate escape, but apparently scratches on the wall paralyze you in fear. Randal, being the "main guy" has to have his moment of heroism so he makes a run for the car, hoping to grab Blondie's phone. He runs (like they all should), gets to the car and surprise, Poofy f**ked it up and it won't unlock or drive. He grabs Blondie's cell but then Poofy pops up like Jason Voorhees (without the cool) and takes his coat and messes up Randal's leg (an injury immediately forgotten about right after). Randal gets back to the ATM building but Poofy doesn't follow. Oh, and he drops the phone on the way back, thus defeating any purpose of his "act of courage". 

Best way to warm up? Cardio. Run people, dammit!

More time passes and a security guard shows up. He gets out of his car after parking about 1000 feet away from the building and the three try to scream to him for help (instead of running right to him as Poofy is nowhere in sight) but of course a light evening breeze sweeps in just at this moment and the guard can't hear a damn thing. And yep, you guessed it. Poofy comes out of nowhere and gets rid of the rent-a-cop. Darn. The three get colder and more scared but again, out of nowhere Poofy pops up at the building's door and enters. Josh Peck and Randal immediately start beating the guy up, punching, kicking, and doing whatever it takes to bring him down. In a rare instance of "death by pen chain thingy strangulation" Randal chokes Poofy to death and bam, movie's over. Oh wait, it's not. It wasn't Poofy! It was just some random janitor getting money out before he headed to work. Now you're thinking, oh shit, these three are f**ked even if they do escape. So the body sits in the building, Josh Peck takes his coat and decides they're screwed anyway, might as well run for it (this is after 3 dead bodies and a few hours, not, you know, right away). He runs, he's getting good distance and then out of nowhere (like Poofy) a mother f**king wire clotheslines him. Yep, Poofy set up a parimmeter around the building of ACME invisible wire. Poofy goes up to Josh Peck and stabs him in the chest with a screwdriver. He doesn't confirm the kill like his other victims because this is a main character and that's how shit happens so they can come back later. So yeah, Josh Peck comes back, struggling to move and dead in the "if I wasn't in a movie I'd be rotting" sense. He gets back to the building and bleeds like a mother. Using the resources they have, they stuff his wound with deposit slips (like a boss) but it obviously does nothing.

Should have stuffed that wound with benjamins. Get all rich up in them gauzes.

Poofy's getting tired so he pulls a hose from a random Christmas tree 'station' set up in the parking lot and jams that sucker into the air vent of the building. Oh, this is after pushing the car to the door so they can't escape. Poofy then grabs a lawn chair, sits, and waits, watching the building fill up with water. Time's running out and Randal thinks, "Hey! Let's hold a flame to the sprinkler system thing inside and trigger that alarm. Firefighters are sure to come!". He tries with a lighter (that wasn't relevant until this moment in time) to reach the sprinkler but of course, is just out of reach. He keeps trying and trying, not even thinking, "Hey, there's more than just me here. How about I give Blondie a boost to do it?". After several more attempts that end in failure, Blondie's the one to suggest it and they fill a trashcan full of paper, light it on fire and trigger the sprinkler. Of course, Randal can't hold petite little Blondie up for more than thirty seconds and he drops her, with her neck snapping on the little counter where the pen and deposit slips came from. Oh, and Josh Peck is dead. Been dead. 

Dead like his career after leaving Nickelodeon. Sorry, dude, it's true. 

Randal's left alone, crying and screaming like any Randal would. Poofy drives the security guard's car into the car at the door and breaks through the glass, spilling the water out and allowing Randal an exit. Randal's pissed like any hero would be and grabs a bottle of tequila, a rag, and the lighter and makes a Molotov. He rushes towards the lawn-chair- seated Poofy and throws the 'bomb', lighting that f**ker up. Again, Poofy's much more sly than that and it's just his coat. Poofy's at a distance, watching, and probably laughing his Poofy little laugh. Cops show up, immediately arrest Randal because he clearly did everything (clearly!) and he's taken away as he's screaming that Poofy's hiding behind the trash cans. He is, but the cops don't give a f**k and don't even bother looking. Randal's taken away where you easily can assume he's locked up forever. Fade to black, movie's over, right? Nope. Poofy's seen opening a storage unit, then opening another secret unit in an already obvious storage unit (it's a metal box, how can there be secret passages?) and you see that he's elaborately planned the entire ATM murders, knowing where to stand to avoid the cameras. Through stupid flashbacks and footage from the ATM building security camera, we see that Poofy set the whole thing up to look like Randal (or whoever he targets) went bat-shit crazy and killed everyone on his own. Then Poofy's seen putting away files (like a well-organized serial killer would) and you can clearly see this ATM wasn't his first, nor will be his last. Yes, people, ATM leaves it open for another sequel of sorts. It actually has the balls to try and make you want more Poofy. I think there's enough stupidity to fill a franchise of movies in this film alone, so why a sequel would even be thought of, I don't know. 

That's Poofy, by the way. 

ATM is a horrid piece of film-making that not only insults the intelligence of the audience watching but slaps you across the face with the stupidity of its plot and characters. There are so many instances the three leads can escape but refuse to simply because you can't have a fifteen minute movie. Or twenty. Or thirty. Every ten minutes or so they're presented with a prime opportunity and completely ignore it and instead just shiver around in a circle like the dumb people they are. I hope this rant (and spoilers) will prevent any of you seeking this piece of shit out. You're all much smarter than this stupid, idiotic 'thriller'. 

Overall: 1.0/10


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At September 2, 2012 at 1:46 PM , Blogger Benend said...

I'll make sure to stay away from this!

At September 2, 2012 at 1:51 PM , Blogger Nick said...

You better! lol. It's totally not worth any time or effort... still thinking about it and still pissing me off.


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