April 4: Tower Heist

"When a group of hard working guys find out they've fallen victim to a wealthy business man's Ponzi scheme, they conspire to rob his high-rise residence."

   Tower Heist is your average run-of-the-mill heist flick that has a handful of laughs throughout a rather terrible plot. It's shockingly predictable and has such a weak ending, it leads you to believe that the filmmakers think the audience is bat-shit stupid. But one can only expect this when the film's directed by Brett Ratner, perhaps the most overrated and piece of shit director in Hollywood today. I am shocked this bloated, scumbag, gay-bashing asshole still has a job, let alone directing a film starring Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy. He's everything that's wrong with people in Hollywood and I pray that Tower Heist is one of his last projects. 

Hint: he's the fat douche-bag between the the stoner dolphin and the skateboarding bird

   Now, the best part of Tower Heist is Eddie Murphy. Yes, I know, shocking. Murphy is actually good in something again. Maybe, it's because he's only playing one role and is nowhere near a fat-suit, or maybe it's because he's slowly, gradually, snail-pacing himself back to form. He is genuinely funny throughout the entire film and is one of the only characters deserving of laughs. Tower Heist would be so much better if there was actually MORE of Eddie Murphy. As for Ben Stiller, the other lead, he simply exists in the every-man, nice guy role and is clearly in the film for his name and not his talent. He's too contained to be the physical, over-the-top comedian he usually is, and the film suffers because of it. Michael Pena earns a few chuckles in his role as a kind of stupid "hell yeah, man" type of character. Gabourey Sidibe (from Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire) continues to prove she has no talent as an actress. She soon needs to realize that she was only cast in Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire because of her "extra" woman-ness and her ability to steal KFC.

It's not racist, it's Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. 

   Overall, Tower Heist may be watchable, but it's definitely not something you should look forward to watching. It's a good flick to have on in the background while you do a Sudoku or browse eBay for all those pogs you gave away in the early 90s (dammit). When the best thing of a film is post-Coming to America Eddie Murphy, you know your film is deeply flawed. Tower Heist is one of those films that would need a complete overhaul to make it even close to excellent, and can in no way be taken seriously. Watch it if you'd like, but don't think you're missing out on anything if you skip it. 

The Good:

a hilarious Eddie Murphy reminding us, just the slightest, of how good he used to be

The Bad:

a terrible script with so many plot holes, it sinks faster than the Titanic

The Ugly:

The big black woman who thinks she can act and the producers who continually cast her in hopes of targeting those who enjoyed Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Overall: 5.3/10

Best Quote:

Enrique: How many lesbians total do we have to avoid?
Kovacs: None, we're not avoiding lesbians.
Slide: I don't avoid lesbians at all. I seek lesbians out. Lesbians got the nicest titties. Straight women have guys pulling and yanking on them, sweating on them. Lesbians get touched delicately by other lesbians, it's nice. 
Kovacs: Did anyone take in what I just said?
Charlie: Well it seems like there's a gauntlet of lesbians. 

Trailer: