Jan 5: Ironclad

"In 13th-century England, a small group of Knights Templar fight to defend Rochester Castle against the tyrannical King John."

   Ironclad is a gore fest with a crap ton of violence, absolutely no plot, and just mere flashing moments of decent acting. The movie follows nearly every Middle Age film cliche from having almost the entire cast die for a "cause" (that's never clear) to the old fart badass who fights to the end. Don't forget the cliche maiden in love with the noble warrior who is a "bad man for killing many". 
   The battle scenes in the movie are a poorly patched quilt of violence made by a blind butcher's wife. The camera work makes you dizzy and, like every movie featuring sword fights, you get absolutely no chance to actually sit back and enjoy the violence. You just watch it blur across the screen and spin around like a kid about to pin the tail on the donkey.

It's like this but with less plot.

   The acting in Ironclad is very hit and miss. The cast features a handful of "that guy" actors, or dudes you see in everything but never cared enough to look up their names. Paul Giamatti plays the evil King John and kicks ass in the role. He has a very angry voice and his yelling matches with all of his subjects prove to be the only decent dialogue in the movie. 

Like that, but louder. And better.

   Overall, Ironclad is a nothing of a movie, but more of a gore-fest with a decent amount of lines spoken with horrible British accents...and a lot of yelling. So, if you're in the mood for exposed bones, smashed heads, blood sprays and shouting, this movie is for you. Also, they burn a bunch of pigs. Apparently they burn hot and melt stone? And now all I picture is a castle of bacon... 

Sight: Horrible camera work for the fight scenes. Cheesy special effects when it comes to buildings falling down, but a lot of realistic limb severing. Not that I would know. 

Sound: It has your never original Medieval score, with chants and/or bagpipes. I can't tell anymore.

Skill: Screaming and bleeding and dying don't necessarily need a lot of acting chops. 

Script: Like I have said, practically no plot and awful dialogue. There is one monologue towards the end that saves any hope the script would have had. And yes, it was shouted.

Score: 5.7/10

Best Quote:

Absolutely nothing worth mentioning, but a guy does have a catapult boulder launched through his face.