June 20: Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

"Two guys get a billion dollars to make a movie, only to watch their dream run off course. In order to make the money back, they then attempt to revitalize a failing shopping mall."

Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie is an absolute joke. The joke isn't the "comedy" itself but the fact that something this disgusting actually made it to the big screen. Based off the Adult Swim TV show, Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, Billion Dollar Movie follows the two stars Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim as they try to earn a billion dollars that they owe some big time movie producers. The duo find themselves in debt after they blow one billion dollars on a three minute movie starring a Johnny Depp look-alike. They then turn to a wolf-infested abandoned mall as their source of paying back their debt. Yes, these two weirdos decide that the best way to earn a billion dollars is to take ownership over a dilapidated mall that is more of a slum than it is a shopping center. 

Naturally, they bathe and shave each other beforehand. 

Now, I have seen their TV show a couple of times and found what I did see to be oddly entertaining. However, I could only watch the f**ked up-ness for five or ten minutes without feeling very dirty and growing increasingly stupid. Thus, I really have no idea why I thought I could handle 93 minutes of them in a single sitting. After viewing Billion Dollar Movie, I can say that I am much less intelligent than I was this morning  and that I have witnessed things one man should be able to go an entire lifetime without seeing. I honestly feel ashamed for actually sitting through the full film and really wish I just turned it off after the first 5 minutes (that's decent, as Tim & Eric are nowhere present and the film is introduced by Jeff Goldblum as Chef Goldblum). 

The Man of the Golden Bloom makes everything better.

I plead to any of you reading to skip Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie. It's utter trash that has no reason to exist, let alone being viewed. It's f**ked up as hell and leaves you not only with a bad taste in your mouth and mind, but the feeling as though your very thoughts and imagination were brutally raped by an orgy of ugly people. I am pissed off that these two shlubs were actually given the ability to make their own movie and pray to God this is the one and only time they are given the chance. Billion Dollar Movie needs to be launched into space, aimed at the sun, never to be witnessed by another human being again. However, the downfall to that aspect would be that if any aliens were to come across it on it's journey to oblivion, one can only assume they would turn their ships towards earth and wipe the planet of our existence simply for the stupidity of these two men. 

The movie does not even deserve a rating as it would mean it can be judged on the same scale as everything else I have watched. 

Trailer (Good God!):

F**k you, Shrim. 

June 7: Independence Day

"The aliens are coming and their goal is to invade and destroy. Fighting superior technology, Man's best weapon is the will to survive."

I couldn't go through a week of alien movies and not watch Independence Day. It's pretty crucial to the genre and while it's certainly not the greatest movie, it's so over-the-top and fun you can't help but love it. Starring the Fresh Prince himself, along with a handful of big names (including a Randy Quaid before he went crazy), the movie really is a staple when you mention movies about invaders from the final frontier. Independence Day is a movie made for every kid in all of us. It's cheesy, not profoundly deep, but incredibly fun to look at. It has terrific special effects on a huge scale and so many great one-liners that, although ridiculous, are still pretty badass. The film is also incredibly safe, with stereotypical everything and a huge lack of logical actions taken upon by the characters. But, you don't question it. You sit back, stuff your face with popcorn and Milk Duds, and enjoy. 

Little known fact. 8 out of 10 aliens prefer Milk Duds over Reeses Pieces. 

Independence Day follows the events after an alien invasion. Large spaceships hover over the world's major cities, threatening earth's major populations. When David (Jeff Goldblum), a satellite technician discovers that the invasion is part of a huge, worldwide attack, he informs President Whitmore (Bill Pullman). The president orders an attack, but each of the airforce's fighter jets and weapons do nothing to the alien ships, as each ship has a force field that protects it. Steven Hill (Will Smith) is among the fighters sent to attack the ships and is actually able to fight off an alien fighter ship and even capture the alien once they both crash land. A bunch of other stuff happens (and so many things explode) and mankind finds out that the aliens plan on ridding the earth of all its resources, no matter what the destruction. So, it all pretty much comes down to David, Hiller, Whitmore, and a handful of others to come up with a plan to rid the planet of it's extra terrestrial threat. 

The whole film is pretty much a letter to everything out there, stating that "You Don't F**k With Earth". 

Independence Day is a fine example of what a summer blockbuster should be. It's loud, funny, explode-y, and has some really good special effects. Even though movies like Transformers follow a similar formula, Independence Day is still a lot better. I guess you could call it nostalgia or even just a bad case of some Will Smith loving. Keep in mind Indepdence Day is not a "good" movie and you can argue if it had any other star or even one less explosion, it could be even unwatchable. But dammit, the film works and does what some movies can't. It entertains. 

The Good:

Will Smith being himself and kicking alien ass... all with great special effects that show a completely destroyed planet

The Bad:

a ridiculous plot with just as ridiculous dialogue

The Ugly:

really wondering how the film succeeds when so many of its elements are incredibly sub-par

Overall: 7.3/10

Trailer: