Aug 7: Piranha 3DD

"After the events at Lake Victoria, the pre-historic school of blood-thirsty piranhas make their way into a newly opened waterpark."

Directed by: John Gulager, Rated: R, 83 minutes

"Josh cut his penis off because something came out of my vagina". That single quote wraps up Piranha 3DD perfectly. It's stupid as f**k and it's own attempt to entertain is to throw as much blood and boobs at the audience as possible. This can be taken literally, as well, for it employs way too many 3D gimmicks and constantly has something being thrown out of the screen, be it piranhas, breasts, blood, and limbs. Piranha 3DD tries really hard to be campy and fun, but the 3D aspect completely distracts from anything else, turning the film into a laughable fest of nonsense and nudity. It does however, have Christopher Lloyd in it (returning to the role of Mr. Goodman from Piranha 3D). Anything with Doc Brown has to be somewhat watchable, right?

Nope. 

Piranha 3DD takes palce a year or so after the events that unfolded in Piranha 3D. Thought to be extinct, blood-crazed piranhas have made their way from Lake Victoria and are on the move towards Big Wet, a raunchy themed water park owned and operated by the eternal horn-dog Chet (David Koechner). Chet's stepdaughter, Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) knows that the piranhas are on the move and does whatever she can to stop the park from opening, to very little effect. As you can imagine, she fails, because what good would a movie be with the "heroine" actually saving people from ancient flesh-hungry fish? Thus, the fish arrive at the park, chaos ensues, blood is spilled, bodies are torn to pieces, and naked women are eaten in slow motion. There's pretty much no plot to the film, so any further explanation will just sound redundant. It's not like there's a lot to be said to make this movie worthwhile. Because it most certainly is not. 

So much potential, completely wasted. 

There's nothing great about Piranha 3DD. The laughs are very, very scarce and any appeal of nudity goes out the window immediately, as the filmmakers believed that the most fake looking, plastic-chested porn stars would make the movie more "memorable". Ving Rhames does return from the first film, sans legs, and has one particular scene featuring a shotgun prosthetic that, although ridiculous, is kind of awesome. However, there's not a lot a big black guy with "gun legs" can do to save an already dead on arrival movie. There is also a desperately sad appearance by David Hasselhoff who tries so hard to be some "special star" that adds any credibility to the film but instead makes himself a bigger joke than he already is. 

Shit's going down when Ving busts out the leg cannon. 

Skip Piranha 3DD. Avoid it at all costs. The film is completely lacking of any campy fun and instead turns out to be a disgustingly bad, raunchy, perverse romp session. The star, Danielle Panabaker, has solidified herself as a crappy horror actress and although she's quite attractive, it's now obvious that her films must be avoided. Hell, instead of watching this piece of crap, head outside for a swim or stop by your local water park, as Piranha 3DD completely fails at triggering any fears of going to one. 

The Good:
shotgun legs, 'nuff said
The Bad:
literally every other scene in the film
The Ugly:
actually sitting through the entire movie and thinking that it might (just MIGHT) be something fun to watch

Overall: 1.6/10

Trailer: