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The Cinematic Katzenjammer: Jan 21: The Human Centipede

Saturday

Jan 21: The Human Centipede

"A mad scientist kidnaps and mutilates a trio of tourists in order to reassemble them into a new "pet"-- a human centipede, created by stitching their mouths to each others' rectums."

   I picked up The Human Centipede for like five bucks a year ago or so and it wasn't until today that I decided to finally watch it. After watching it, I am insanely pissed off I ever even thought that was a good idea. I knew the movie would be bad; however, I never thought it would be THIS bad. The Human Centipede is the kind of movie that needs to have every copy and film negative burned, buried, and then never even mentioned again. 
  The film follows two female tourists, who, on their way to a party, get a flat tire and decide the best way to get help is to get out of their car and literally walk into the woods. They don't just follow the road, like almost every single person alive would, but they go to to the damn German woods and wander for over an hour. They stumble upon a house which, of course, is owned by a creepy German doctor who looks like Skeletor if he were a Nazi. 

The longer you look at him, the more of your soul he absorbs. 

   Obviously, a man with a face like that isn't the kind of guy who will help you with a flat tire. The two girls are drugged and then wake up in a room, tied to a hospital bed. Only after the creepy surgeon doctor Nazi captures a third tourist, a screaming Japanese man, does he tell the three what he plans on doing with them. In short, he is going to stitch them, in a line, ass-to-mouth, to create a "Siamese triplet" he calls a human centipede. I really can't make this up. The movie is that insane. One of the girls gets away as he is putting the other two "victims" to sleep, and it is because of this that Doctor Sic-F**k decides she is to be the middle child, if you will. 

The Human Centipede featured much nastier "hand-me-downs". 

   Okay, so after unnecessary drama and a failed attempt to escape, Doc begins the procedure. Teeth are pulled, face cheeks and ass cheeks are filleted, and everything is stitched together like some stuffed animal from hell. Then we have a scene where Doc inspects his "masterpiece" with the curiosity and amazement I only assume you would see in a rapist or child molester. He forces his creation to their knees and then takes pictures for what I can assume is the world's shittiest (no pun intended) scrapbook. 

Inside are the precious memories of Doc's vacation to Italy. Oh, and the time he made a pet out of a three person poop shoot. 

  Yes, Doc treats his creation like a pet dog. Taking it for walks, making it fetch a newspaper, and feeding it from a dog bowl. And what does every dog have to do when it's out in the yard? Yeah, that happens too. Doc punishes his little stitchy-pooch and even gives it a checkup like any vet would do. To his sadness, he discovers the tail end is sick, and he needs to seek out a replacement piece. Cops arrive, suspense builds up, and then you can only imagine what happens. No, for real, because God knows I couldn't spoil such a wonderful film for all of you. 
  The Human Centipede, as a film, is just as bad as the subject matter is disgusting. The acting, especially that of our two leading ladies (who take the back two ends of the centipede), is utterly awful. Every word they say and every motion they make lets you hate them even more. You end up hoping that something bad happens to them. Unfortunately, unlike most horror films where the whores die off right away, these ladies stick (hehe) around for way too long. Luckily for us, anyone involved in this film will probably never see screen time again. 

Unfortunately, since you played the "thorax" of a Human Centipede, we're going to have to go in a different direction...

   Other than it's gross factor, The Human Centipede has nothing going for it. Even that factor, after sixty minutes, is just exhausting and pretty damn annoying. For how much gross the movie would seem to have, it really held back on the gore front. Sure there are a couple of scenes that have a good chunk of yuck, but a film with this title and this premise, you would only assume a nonstop circus of people meat would be riding into town. 

The Greatest Show on Earth... is quite the opposite title this film deserves.

   The Human Centipede is certainly a one of a kind movie. Never in my entire life would I ever even come close to thinking up a story like this one. But then again, only a sick twisted man could ever conceive of such an idea and actually have the nerve to turn it into a film. The shock value of The Human Centipede is nowhere near deserving of a viewing, and I simply ask that the film be left alone to decay in the dark corners of the minds of those who came up with it. 

Sight: There is just too many pretty things to look at when three people are stitched ass-to-mouth. 
Sound: This is a movie, whose soundtrack is only that of rain and the screams and moans of people forced to get a little too close to each other
Skill: Disgusting acting for a disgusting film, The Human Centipede's cast shall now only be remembered for pooping in each others mouths. 
Script: A crazy doctor kidnaps three people and stitches them together like Siamese twins. I would call that a quality story. 

Overall: 1.5/10

Best Quote:
Dr.Heiter: "Do you already regret your little escape? In fact, I'm thankful for it, because now... I know definitely you are the middle piece!"

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2 Comments:

At January 28, 2012 at 5:56 PM , OpenID virtuadept said...

I fast forwarded through most of it. It was pretty sick and twisted. Nothing of any redeeming value at all, AFAICT. Then again, maybe somewhere in the parts I skipped that bored me to tears there was a gem. Nah. Doubt it.

 
At January 29, 2012 at 1:07 AM , Blogger Nick said...

There was absolutely no gem hidden in this turd. Not even cubic zirconia or the little plastic things you can get in a 25 cent machine or a cracker jack box.

 

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