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The Cinematic Katzenjammer: June 21: Godzilla


June 21: Godzilla

"A enormous, radioactively mutated lizard runs rampant on the island of Manhattan."

Looking back, it's sad that I liked Godzilla when I was a kid. I can only imagine I was enamored by the fact that a giant lizard was roaming the streets of New York City solely on the fact that I was quite the dinosaur nerd. Nonetheless, I had a horrible taste in movies when I was younger and if I was ever able to get behind the wheel of a Dolorean, I'd go back in time and slap some sense to myself. Godzilla is very, very bad. It's campy without the cheese (the good kind) and it is so poorly written I can only assume the script came to be after a round-table discussion post-snack time in a Kindergarten class room. 

Ms. Hunt's Kindergarten class filed suit against TriStar and Sony for their lack of screen credit, but the children quickly lost interest (and energy) and were put down for a nap.

Godzilla has the classic movie monster making its way to New York City. Of course, being a monster from Japan, it's only logical that its American landing spot would be on the east coast. I can only assume San Francisco politely turned away the mega-beast and gave it directions south towards Panama. Nick Tatopoulous (Matthew Broderick), or "the worm guy" as he is called in the movie, is hired by the government to investigate the makeup and behavior of this radiated behemoth. After it's arrival, while smashing through the city like an angry sister knocking over her brother's Lego sets, Nick discovers that Godzilla is pregnant. Yes, a classic movie monster that's wrecked havoc for decades is "with child" and it's up to Nick and the good ol' American government to track the beast and its nest, and rid the Big Apple of its reptilian infestation. Throw in a bunch of unnecessary, dated, jokes as well as a very weak romantic subplot and Godzilla makes for an all-around awful movie experience. Hell, even the special effects aren't terrific. 

Godzilla- 1998
Jurassic Park- 1993

As you can tell above, Godzilla looks like the bulky plastic toy that hurts like f**k when you accidentally step on it walking to the bathroom at night. And heck, that's what watching the movie even feels like. It's obnoxious and unnecessary and should be left in the past to rot away into nothing. It has probably one of the worst scripts I have ever seen (I guess heard?) in a movie and its sad attempt to be some dramatic end of the world epic fails at every single level. Even Ferris Bueller can't save it. Skip it and watch Jurassic Park instead. Or even draw a picture of a giant lizard and carry it around your house "roaring" like the beast you just illustrated, and you'd have a hell of a lot more fun. 

The Bad:
a piss-poor combination of unfunny jokes, ridiculous happenings, and "big" budget effects
The Worse:
raping a classic creature with an unnecessary injection of America
The Worst:
a script so bad and so disgusting the screenwriters should have been immediately fired and banned from every working again

Overall: 2.4/10


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At June 29, 2012 at 6:33 PM , Blogger 100 Years of Movies said...

C'mon, Nick doesn't just find out the lizard is pregnant. He uses a series of at-home pregnancy tests to make the diagnosis. Spent the movie waiting for Jean Reno to do something cool. I'm still waiting...

At least the movie gave us the set up for the best moment in Godzilla: Final Wars.

At June 29, 2012 at 6:38 PM , Blogger Nick said...

Oh, so very true. Not to mention, tests he picked up a corner gas station store. So you know they're legit.


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